


Something New

by minis0de



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Choi Soobin Is Bad At Feelings, Choi Soobin-Centric, Coming of Age, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, M/M, Minor Huening Kai/Kang Taehyun, Misunderstood Beomgyu, Soft Choi Soobin, Strangers to Lovers, beomgyu has a huge soft spot for soobin, pls check the notes for trigger warnings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:21:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28175325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minis0de/pseuds/minis0de
Summary: "Soobin took a moment to regain strength again before Yeonjun nudged his knee while extending him his lunch. "Where do you know Choi Beomgyu from?"Soobin rose his eyebrows, curious about the tone. "Met him at the party the other night. Why?"Yeonjun whistled. "He doesn't have a great reputation around here." "or: where Beomgyu is mysterious guy, constantly on everyone's mouth on campus and Soobin is a freshman he met at party, unaware of said reputation.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin
Comments: 24
Kudos: 121
Collections: TXT Secret Santa Fic Fest 2020





	Something New

**Author's Note:**

  * For [shadowkissed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadowkissed/gifts).



> Hi!! 
> 
> This is my entry for TXT Secret Santa Fic Fest! Hope it fills the expectations as it was a pleasure to write soogyu. This prompt was very much calling for me and I guess I did a little twist on it, so it's not really what it first looks like but I hope you like it nonethless.
> 
> Trigger warnings:  
> \- mentions of abuse, orphanages, cancer, death  
> \- spiders  
> \- anxiety, depression and panick attacks.
> 
> None of those subjects are heavily in the story, but since they are a part of it it's important to mention about it. 
> 
> Some songs to listen while reading (if you want!! It inspired me while writing):  
> Hozier - Something New  
> BTS - Life Goes on  
> Mr Loverman - Ricky Montgomery  
> Sing of the Moon - The Collection

❝ In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on. ❞

— Robert Frost  
  


He was sure he saw a spider try to crawl his pillow as soon as he opened his eyes. He screamed so loudly that the old man living at the end of the street - and who hated him - probably heard it and cursed him. Because that's exactly what he needed right now, a curse from an old man. 

He recomposed himself quickly, peeking from behind his fingers which were now covering his face. The spider was nowhere to be seen but, surely, his will to sleep was also somehow gone. He looked at the clock on his bedside table,  _ 7:34 AM _ . He reluctantly sat on the edge of the bed, constantly aware of the fact that a spider woke him up and could show up anywhere, and sighed loudly. He didn't feel tired enough to go back to sleep, even if he barely caught any during the night.

It's been like that for a few weeks. Usually, school kept him busy, the burden of having to pass his classes and work on assignments, college entrance letters, finals. (Un)fortunately, all of that had ended a few months ago and as the sun crept up in his window, as a reminder of the summertime months, he thought of how distressed these months had felt to him. Soobin didn't consider himself a troubled kid. Life has just not been kind to him in a long  _ long  _ time. 

The kids in his hometown weren't particularly fond of him, so it wasn't like summer was a great time for the boy. Maybe it was his fault, he thought about it nowadays; that perhaps he had sabotaged himself and his chances of forming real bonds in his developing years. But now it all felt too late, the college acceptance letter resting on his desk, the suitcase his mother had begged him to prepare weeks ago resting on his room floor, papers spread around, clothes scattered in the ground. 

It didn't matter. He wasn't going to stay centered on the past and the things that could've gone differently, the choices he made. His therapist had told him one time that one of the reasons for his emotional state was imagining scenarios where things would've gone differently instead of actively seeking to change. So he spent his whole (late) last year of high school actively trying to be the better version of his student self. 

And when that ended he was left with an empty void inside of him, one that was giving him hellish nightmares and nights without sleep. He couldn't figure out what he was supposed to be now, how to change now. Spending time with his thoughts had been dangerous before and it still scared him in the present. Thankfully, he had a suitcase to pack and a room to organize. At least he would give his mother the pleasure to leave the room clean for the first time in 19 years. 

He picked some jeans that looked clean to him from the ground and a green Looney Tunes T-shirt that he hasn't worn in years. Picked his keys and his bike and wandered to the street, to get his head out of this vulnerable place and into a bright new day. Not a lot of people seemed bothered to see a kid bike in the neighborhood so early in the morning. He tried to clear his mind by observing the world around him and do a small distracting activity he has been perfecting all these years of dealing with his complicated mind. He looked at the trees and thought how beautiful and old they might be, the stories they might tell. He looked at the stray cat at the end of the block, cleaning himself, starting his day. He felt thankful to be alive, to share a life with these creatures. 

Even with all the troubles, he has had in this place, leaving it for college was going to hurt. 

  
  
  


**____________________________________________ **

  
  
  


"Soobin baby is that you?" He heard his mom call as soon as he opened the front door. He yelled a simple  _ yes _ as he took off his shoes and walked to the kitchen, where she was sitting at the small dining table. 

"I bought bread from the bakery down the block." He said, putting the meal bag in the middle of the table. His mother smiled, kissing his temple and urging him to sit down. 

"Good boy. I'm going to get things for us to eat then, settle the table will you?"

He nodded. A long time ago he took for these moments with his mother at their small dining table, the sun peeking through the blinds, for granted. They never had much, financially wise, and for so long Soobin let things like that get the best of him. But nowadays things were walking to a higher pat. He set the table quietly, listening to his mother mumbling a song that was playing on the small radio in their kitchen. Both of them moved in sync to the beat, enjoying their time together. 

"Have you packed?" She asked after everything was set and both of them sat down to finally eat breakfast. Soobin made a displeasure face and his mother simply laughed at him. "You don't change, do you baby?” 

"I will today." 

"You have to. We are leaving tomorrow early." 

_ Was it already tomorrow?  _ Soobin didn't even notice the time passing and yet, as he checked the calendar on his phone he noticed that indeed his moving day was coming up. 

"Then...you will help me?" Soobin tried to pout, tried to get the best of his mother. She simply ruffled his hair. 

"I don't see where I have another choice." 

Both of them laughed at that and after cleaning the kitchen back to its immaculate state, they worked together in Soobin's tiny room. His mother, as usual, scolded him but helped fold and pack clothes nonetheless. They chose which clothes would stay, which would go and which were going to be donated. The suitcase wasn't even full yet. 

"You can take other things with you." His mother pointed out, sitting on the edge of his bed as Soobin took some papers out of the desk and cleaned it. The boy looked around his room, although it has been his secret comfort lair for years now, it felt like a good time to let go of an old friend. 

He touched his shelves with his precious memories: the Pokémon figures he had made his mom spend money on, the very old and almost ripped Percy Jackson books that he has read countless times before in hard times, his collection of crystals because he didn't know if he believed in all these powers but sure the idea of it helped him a lot. All these little things that shaped him, reminded him of who he was and were now slipping from his fingers. 

"Maybe I'll take some of these with me. I don't think I could let go of them." 

His mom nodded. "I got something else for you." She said, getting up and leaving the room. When she came back after a few minutes she carried a small box, one he knew she kept underneath her small bed. Soobin eyed the piece curiously, sitting down next to her. As she opened the box he saw a collection of  _ memories:  _ letters, postcards, small objects, receipts. 

"I think your dad would want you to have this." She said, picking a small necklace at the bottom of the box and extending it to him. He felt tears immediately creep in his face at the mention of his father but picked the necklace in his hand, holding it like a small precious treasure. It was a simple lock, with a small pink crystal. It looked handcrafted, personal. 

"Thank you, mom." He said, giving her a tight hug and enjoying the warmth of her body. 

  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  
  


The next morning everything seemed to move at a quick speed which freaked him out just a bit.  _ Scratch that _ . It scared him a lot. 

From waking up, having breakfast, getting his suitcase in his mom’s old car to drive to the city, the feeling of nostalgia started to hit him heavily when he saw the board with his city name disappearing on the horizon. He was leaving his hometown, his safe space. 

The ride to the city was accompanied by music from his mom's old playlists, all of which he knew the lyrics by heart. The silence in the car wasn't uncomfortable for them but it did propel Soobin's thoughts towards an obscure place. He didn't have anything grounding him to his old town aside from his small house, his dim lighted room with the walls full of posters, the lake that doubled as a beach in the summer and a fishing spot, and his mother. But the feeling of change and leaving something behind so dear to him filled him with regret. 

It wasn’t hard for him to change, per se, but it was to leave a comfortable reality behind. He's always thought of himself as a coward for not being able to distance himself from things that made him sheltered, for never taking risks. Going to college was the biggest risk of his life and yet it has been carefully crafted, planned every single detail with his mother's phone number on speed dial. This wasn't a risk, a leap in the dark; rather it was another phase of his life where he felt like a failure in his body and mind. 

He tried not to let the thoughts linger as they reached the campus and the dorm that he would have to call home for the next months. It was empty and bare so he and his mother took it in their own hands to bring a bit of dazzling to it. They made the bed carefully, folded his clothes, and organized them by color just how he loved it, his mother even made him place some of the Pokémon figures he had brought with him on the table. 

"Mom…" Soobin whined. "My new roommate is going to think I'm childish!

"And what's the problem with that? Besides I didn't spend my money on those ugly things to be wasted." 

"Call Charizard ugly one more time, I dare you." Soobin joked. 

By the time this whole morning seemed to fade away, it was time for his mom to leave. As quick as they left his hometown, she left the dorm, with a promise of calling him and a kiss on the cheek. Soobin wasn't going to cry or at least he was trying very hard to convince himself not to overthink all of his life decisions and take the next bus home (Yes, he searched those before coming here in case he ever needed a quick escape) when the door to his dorm opened and a pink-haired guy pushed a suitcase inside, two female figures behind him in a seemingly heated argument with him. 

"Junnie that's unacceptable! I forbid you to even try to get a boyfriend before the semester ends." One of the women said, but her tone radiated friendliness. She noticed Soobin sitting cross-legged in the bed and gave him a polite smile. "Looks like your roommate is here already." 

The boy rolled his eyes before waving happily in his direction. Soobin tried the best to replicate the action as a normal human. 

"This is my third year, I know what I am doing." He rolled his eyes again. "Now please leave, I'll call you guys or something."

Both the women traded eye looks. One of them gave him a hug and the other a forehead kiss, mumbling  _ he'll never call us _ before leaving the room. 

The boy plopped on the other bed before speaking. "Sorry for them. You know how parents are sometimes…" 

Soobin nodded. "Both your moms?

"Yeah." 

Soobin nodded again. Part of his own horrible life experiences came from the constant terrible questioning of his sexuality. He knew now that he was very much gay but being out brings another whole level of anxiety and fear into his body. But this boy in the city whose hair was pink (with yellow and blue streaks), dressed in very baggy colorful pants and a white crop T-shirt, who had two moms seemed unfazed about the whole reality around Soobin collapsing. 

"I'm Yeonjun by the way. Choi Yeonjun." He introduced himself, extending his hand. 

"Choi Soobin." He said, shaking hands with him. "Your third year?" 

The boy sat next to him in the bed, which Soobin was absolutely not overthinking. "Yeap. Plastic arts but I minor in dance. Both my passions. What about you?" 

"Freshman. I'm a literature major." Soobin said the boy looked at him curiously. 

"You don't look like a freshman if I'm being honest. You lack that scared out of puberty look." 

Soobin laughed at the boy's antics, the atmosphere slightly less heavy around them. "I know, I lost two years of high school. Personal stuff." He added quickly at the end, so he wouldn't expect questions. 

Thankfully the other didn't question it. "So you're my age. Cool." 

Soobin nodded. He didn't know how to continue the conversation and he thought that having to have this effort the whole school year was probably going to kill him until the other looked at his stuff and yelled:

"You like Pokémon?!" 

Soobin was taken aback for a bit before nodding. "Yeah...I know it's stupid." 

“Stupid? Nonsense!" He started enthusiastically, going to open his suitcase and take out a very used, very decorated sketchbook. "Look at my Pokémon drawings! I drew myself as a Gym leader and it's still in the process but I think I'm doing a great job." 

Soobin did enjoy the art and he enjoyed specifically how the other boy seemed to be so enthusiastically explaining the details and art concepts he didn't understand. But he listened to the whole thing, asking questions in the meantime, and at some point, they ended up discussing all of Yeonjun's drafts, some of which were inspired by books that both of them have read, which spiraled into a conversation about literature that had no ends. 

They bonded instantly, the conversation smoothly flowing and Soobin realized it's been years since he had crafted a connection so fast with someone without ruining it or overthinking it. The discussion came to an end when Soobin's stomach started to growl and he noticed he hadn't eaten anything since the morning and it was now…  _ 3 PM. Great.  _

"I could eat something too," Yeonjun said sympathetically. 

"I haven't eaten since the morning. Didn't know time was passing by so quickly." 

"Me neither. The food in the cafeteria isn't bad, maybe we can get some and then I can show you around. I'm practically a veteran." 

Soobin felt a tug in his heart at this boy's kindness and started thinking for how long it would last. Yet he thought he would savor it while he could. 

"Sure." 

  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  
  


The tour of the campus was somewhat quick. Turns out Yeonjun was indeed an old-timer and more important and scary than that: he was popular. Students everywhere stopped to ask how his summer was, what his plans for the semester were, what classes he would be taking. Yeonjun answered all of them graciously, smiling at everyone and Soobin admired the way he so easily mingled, changed personalities when speaking to certain people. But most importantly the way he never let Soobin feel awkward or out of place.

"And that's Chaeyoung from the dance club," Yeonjun explained when a girl passed by them, waving him hello and making small talk. 

"You sure know a lot of people," Soobin noted. 

"I get around I guess. Which means you get around too now." 

"What?" Soobin asked, startled. 

"Yeah. You're cool and you didn't run away from me as soon as I geeked out. We are bound for life now." Yeonjun said super serious, locking arms with him and continuing to show him around the places he liked the most to hang out, to study, to paint while making jokes in the middle of it. 

They also sat down for lunch, Soobin choosing a simple sandwich while Yeonjun dug in a chicken salad. They ate but never in silence, as the conversation continued to flow with Yeonjun recalling funny university stories he has been through all his years and Soobin laughed, occasionally joking around with him too. He felt at ease with this boy, who sure knew how to keep up a conversation and introduce topics after topics. It was easy. Soobin hasn't felt easy in so long he almost forgot what it was like. 

Of course, something kept tugging in his heart. The idea of it being temporary, the idea of people getting tired of him easily just as it always happened. He let it linger in his head as Yeonjun spoke, wondering for how long things would be like this? How long would his luck last. A boy from Yeonjun's major sat next to him at some point, making conversation about his new projects and their new teachers. The pink hair boy introduced Soobin and the other simply nodded at him, acknowledging his presence. 

"Have you heard about Hoseok's party?" The boy asked Yeonjun, who was now stuffing a lettuce leaf in his mouth. "Yeah, it's going to be huge. You should pass by, bring your friend." 

"Yeah! You're right, I will." Yeonjun nodded, patting the other boy goodbye. "Hoseok is a famous dude in the dance group, he's a legend around here for throwing great parties. We should go."

"Ah…" Soobin started. Although the feeling of comfort that settled between him and Yeonjun was something he was already treasuring, he didn't want to feel peer pressured into attending a party, which was something so out of his style. "I'm not a party person. It's usually too loud and stuff." 

"Of course dude. That's up to you but Hoseok parties always have two sides. His boyfriend Yoongi usually hosts and he's all about making sure people are comfortable and shit. But it's up to you.

"I will think about it." Soobin finished, feeling a tug in his heart at both Yeonjun's gentleness and the idea that so many people around him were so open and out. He wished deeply for the day he could become that person too. 

"Let me show you the library or as I call: panic zone." Yeonjun suddenly got up, grabbing Soobin's arm once again and leading him into the building outside. 

  
  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  
  


Later that night, Soobin laid in bed, a book in his hand but he was honestly not paying any attention at all to it. His mind was somewhere else and it's been hard to get it to land on firm ground. He saw Yeonjun getting ready for the party, applying some light makeup on his face even if his clothes and suitcase were still unpacked. 

"So these parties…" Soobin started, trying to calm his mind a bit. "Are they like the ones you see in movies?" 

Yeonjun laughed but it wasn't malicious at all. "Not really. Hoseok is great, he does like dance parties and has a bunch of activities. I think you might like it." 

"I've never been to one," Soobin confessed, dropping his book on his pillow. 

"Come with me then." Yeonjun turned around, smiling at him. "You have my number and I'm always with my phone. Anything you need you can call me and I will immediately bail you out." 

Soobin smiled at the kind offer. "I don't want to ruin your night." 

"Oh please! I've been to a ton of these parties." Yeonjun continued applying what Soobin assumed was blush to his face. "Does it look okay?" 

Soobin took some time to apprehend he was talking about his makeup. He gave up a thumbs up before adding. "You look handsome." Surprising himself with his courage. 

He felt safer somehow around this boy. Yeonjun then returned him the smile. "You're nice. Are you coming then?" 

Soobin pictured his attire. He was wearing some ripped light jeans and a purple t-shirt. Didn't seem party fitting but it was comfortable and that was usually enough for him. 

"Just going to grab my jacket then." 

"That's my boy!" Yeonjun declared, both of them effectively leaving the dorm for Soobin's first official university gathering.

_ What could go wrong?  _ He thought to himself. Unmistakably, a lot of things could go wrong: he could get lost, he could get mugged, something terrible could happen and then his mother would never forgive him, he could lose his documents…He pressed his chest, where his dad's necklace rested by his heart, and a sudden warmth spread through him. He was safe as long as he had his dad by his side.

_ Stop thinking.  _ He tried to resonate with himself. Regularly he felt like he was fighting a battle in his self, all his spirits opposing each other. That usually proved to be a difficulty when making friends and in social gatherings but he took a deep breath and followed Yeonjun, who was now telling him some story about one time he was challenged to a dance-off at one of these parties. 

Quickly they reached the destination and Soobin tried to resonate with himself that there was nothing wrong with this, he was just going to have fun, check some things around, analyze the environment. That seemed like a good middle ground. Yeonjun kept being, as expected, the life of the crowd, stopping to say hello to people, make small talk. Soobin appreciated the way he also kept looking at him, assuring him he was still there, with a look that maintained  _ whenever you want to go _ but Soobin wasn't uncomfortable, just surprised to see so many people and in such a different setting than he was used to. 

At some point, he heard some kids scream and Yeonjun pointed at the middle of what he assumed was a living room and whispered in his ear "That's Hoseok! He's cool." 

Soobin watched the boy dance and have fun and even laughed at some outrageous dance moves he was throwing. Someone offered them something to drink but Soobin promptly refused and so did his pink-haired friend. When he looked at Yeonjun, surprised that the other didn't accept the drink, he just laughed. 

"I don't drink this horrible alcohol." He simply said, grabbing the bottle of water he had brought. Soobin smiled. 

They went around for a little while, Soobin being introduced to people Yeonjun knew and everyone didn't seem to care much about it, welcoming him to university. He enjoyed it but it was starting to get slightly overwhelming to him the presence of so many individuals around him, talking, making noise. He also regarded how Yeonjun seemed to glow under these social gatherings, mingling and joking around and he didn't want to take it away from the other boy who was probably the only friend he had acquired and would in the semester. 

"Hey!" He called Yeonjun who was talking with some girls. The boy immediately turned to him. "I'm going to get outside for a bit. It's loud in here." 

Yeonjun nodded. "Sure. Call me if you need anything? And don't go to the dorm without warning me or something." 

Soobin nodded, appreciating the worry. He quickly made his way outside and gulped on a bottle of water before taking the time to breathe in. He knew his anxiety acted upon him in the weirdest situations, although he wasn't expecting it to take action on him now. Maybe it was the difference in volume from inside and outside, maybe it was the lack of people outside but he sat down on the sideways and started performing something that always helped him calm down. 

"A is for Apple, B is for Banana, C is for cat, D is for Dog, E is for Elastic, F is for…"

"Are you okay?" A voice asked from above and Soobin got so startled he almost fell backward. The boy easily placed his hand on his back, preventing the fall but immediately taking it out. "Sorry. Not cool touching you without consent."

Soobin nodded, although his breathing was still uneven and his mind clouded he took time to see the figure next to him: the boy didn't look much older than him, black hair almost covering his eyes, dark clothes. 

"I-I'm.." Soobin tried to form a sentence but it was hard when he was in such an anxious state. The other seemed to notice, his face immediately shifting for a concerned one. 

"Just take deep breaths okay? Focus on your breathing: in and out." 

Soobin nodded. He closed his eyes and focused essentially on breathing with his nose and his mouth. At some point, he distanced himself completely from the world around and focused essentially on his breathing. It helped and soon he was almost back to normal (whatever normal meant to him) quickly enough for him to realize how much he had already embarrassed himself in front of a stranger. 

"I'm so sorry! I usually don't have panic attacks like this, I don't even know what happened or what triggered it. I'm sorry." He kept mumbling but the boy didn't seem fazed by it, waving his hand dismissing it. 

"It's okay. It happens when you least expect. No one did anything to you at the party right? Or put something in your drink?" The boy asked seriously.

Soobin shook his head. "No, no! I didn't even drink anything, I just needed some fresh air." 

The other murmured. "Good." 

Soobin took time to finally examine the other boy better and maybe he should've kept staring at the ground. The dim light of the street post only allowed to see him as such but he still looked handsome. His hair was now off his eyes, revealing ones with intensity in his stare, his lips seemed stained with something dark red and he wasn't wearing his jacket anymore, showing his sleeveless turtleneck top. 

"Are you-" Soobin tried to start, gulping to gain courage. "A student?" 

Said boy laughed. "Yeah. Don't usually come to these parties, not particularly enjoy watching drunk kids fall to their faces." 

Soobin nodded. "Some are ridiculous. Saw a girl trip on her dress early." 

The boy laughed again, something melodic. "Yeah, that sounds like standard behavior. I take you don't come to these parties often?"

"It's my first year." He admitted, lamenting it immediately. Why was he being so honest with a random (cooler) stranger after humiliating himself with a panic attack?

"And you're coming to parties already?" 

"Yeah. My roommate was invited and I wanted to see what it was like." 

"I get it." The boy continued, moving slightly closer. "These aren't even the worst but it's still lame. I would much rather be in my bed right now." 

"Right." Soobin agreed. "I have the last season of She-Ra to catch on." 

When the other boy laughed aloud, Soobin realized he had said out loud something he wasn't planning on doing so. Maybe it was the aftermath of his panic attack but it seemed that he had lost his brain to mouth filter. Before he could mutter an apology, the boy spoke again. 

"That's been out for weeks. Why haven't you watched it yet?" 

Soobin quirked an eyebrow. Not that there was anything wrong with watching the show, he was following it, the boy style just didn't strike as someone who could enjoy it. "I am lazy. And I've been preparing myself for it, it's been a rollercoaster of emotions."

"You're right. Spoilers: you might cry." 

"Please, don't tell me something bad happens." 

Laughter echoed again. "I promise." The boy simply finished. "I'm Beomgyu by the way." 

"Soobin. Sorry, you had to witness me like that." 

"It's fine," Beomgyu said. "Could happen to anyone. It's my second year, I know how hard the first days are." 

Soobin nodded. It has been hard but mostly because he convinced himself he was going to do badly in his years and especially in his first semester with the big change. And so far, despite his fast relationship with his roommate, he managed to embarrass himself in front of a neat boy.  _ Great. Maybe the old man did curse me.  _

"I think I'm going to go to the dorm." Soobin simply said, getting up and cleaning his jeans. Beomgyu immediately jumped to his side. 

"I will walk you there. Just to be sure you're safe?" He said but the last sentence sounded much like a question. Soobin did feel thankful for the help, and nodded, signing for him to lead the way. 

He texted Yeonjun in the meantime, explaining he would be walking to the dorm because he was tired. He immediately got a response from the other asking if he needed company, but Soobin dismissed it, telling him to enjoy the party. Besides he would be fine, he had company. Sort of. 

The walk to the dorm thankfully wasn't made in silence, Soobin gaining the courage to ask the other boy major ( _ He wasn't sure, he took a lot of different classes _ ), and the boy seemingly curious to know about him too. He was nice, he realized. It wasn't hard to form a small link there, Soobin feeling more content around the other. 

"This is where I stop," Soobin told him and the boy nodded, his hands laced in his back. "Thank you for walking me home."

Beomgyu smiled. "No problem. Glad you're safe." 

Soobin inevitably blushed, hoping that the dark lights concealed his dark cheeks. "Maybe I will see you around?" Soobin tried to say, figured this was something people used to reply. 

Beomgyu laughed. "I hope so Soobin." He said, waving goodbye as he took a step back.

When he laid in bed that night, staring at the ceiling of his dorm, thinking about all the improbabilities of his day, meeting a cute boy that made him blush was the breaking point for him. That night, instead of falling asleep crying as he used to do, he turned around and smiled to himself.

  
  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  


The weeks spread out fast like wildfire. The metaphor also settled quite well with the weather felt in those weeks. He was used to heating waves and especially dealing with them as he lived his whole life in a house with no air conditioning and no refreshing spots. Everyone in his class though seemed to be affected by it, the year attention span decreasing highly as the hot air increased. 

He had found himself inserted in some sort of class clique where everyone just sticks together in the first days out of convenience’s sake but he was starting to get tired of having to make small talk and mingle with other students who didn't care much about him.

Another kid in his class seemed to have the same feelings, as both of them always ended up sticking together in the back - granted not talking much but still together. At some point, he ended up introducing himself. "Taehyun. Kang Taehyun." He said, pointing at himself. Soobin nodded in acknowledgment of his presence but didn't give much thought to having to speak or answer until the other boy gave him a slight nudge on his knee. 

"And your name?" 

"Ah. Choi Soobin, sorry, I was distracted." Soobin tried to cover his awkwardness up but the other boy smiled. There was some truth in his words about being distracted and somehow a kind boy dressed in dark clothes was part of the reason. 

"It's fine Soobin. Feels kind of annoying to have to chase these people around just so you don't get lost right?" 

"Pretty much." Soobin chuckled. "Lit major too?" 

"Yeah. I'm just waiting for my friend to save me so we can get lunch. Want to join us?" Soobin was tempted to say yes only for the fact he didn't have to eat alone but the conversation got interrupted shortly by Yeonjun, who seemed to be running towards him, with a bag of food. 

"Hi." Soobin tried, waving at his roommate. They've gotten closer during the weeks, the pink-haired trying to forge a relationship with him of sorts. And he wasn't one to complain, so far it has been as beneficial as it could be.

"I brought us food. Hope you haven't had lunch yet." Yeonjun said happily. 

"Not yet," Soobin answered. "Maybe we can get lunch some other time?" He suggested to his colleague who just smiled. 

"Of course. My friend is also here to pick me up." Taehyun pointed at his friend who was walking in their direction. 

Soobin immediately felt his heartbeat land faster at the familiar face. Today the attire didn't seem different from the party: some black ripped jeans and a plain black shirt. Soobin wondered if he didn't feel hot but the other boy was unexpectedly unaffected by the weather. 

"Tae let's go." He said, his deep voice the same. Under the bright sunlight, he looked even more handsome, his black hair shining beautifully, this time he noticed some dangling earrings adorning his features. Beomgyu seemed to notice him too, his previously stern expression softening a bit. "Hi, Soobin. How have you been?" 

His voice was tender and Soobin's heartstrings pulled slightly. "I'm fine. How are you?" 

"Doing well. Was good to see you, you look great." He smirked, tugging Taehyun and disappearing into the hallway. 

Soobin took a moment to regain strength again before Yeonjun nudged his knee while extending him his lunch. "Where do you know Choi Beomgyu from?" 

Soobin rose his eyebrows, curious about the tone. "Met him at the party the other night. Why?" 

Yeonjun whistled. "He doesn't have a great reputation around here." He started but soon was cut off by getting a huge bite off his sandwich. One thing Soobin has gathered about the other boy these past weeks is that he eats like there's no tomorrow. "There were some rumors around of him getting to juvenile and everything when he was younger."

Soobin took a short bite of his food and reflected on the idea. Granted he didn't know much of the other boy but he seemed quite alright to him on the night of the party, a perfect gentleman. He knew appearances could be deceiving but he didn't see any reason why the other would pretend to be nice to him then and now. "He seemed alright to me."

"I'm not one to judge," Yeonjun said with his mouth full. "It's not my place to do so I was just curious and telling you what I have heard around."

Soobin hummed. He continued to eat lunch in peace but in the back of his head, the boy kept lingering. He was handsome and Soobin knew how to appreciate it. For the past week, he was sure his mind was playing tricks on him and he had just imagined the kind stranger but seeing him today under the daylight confirmed that for one he wasn't going nuts. 

"What else do people say?" Soobin asked curiously. 

Yeonjun seemed unimpressed by the curiosity, eating his food with a single passion that Soobin learned to appreciate the last weeks from his friend.  _ Friend.  _ What a foreign concept to him. 

"Just the usual stuff kids like to gossip about; probably dating rumors, the bad boy mysterious attitude, is always jumping from class to class and fought with a teacher last year." Yeonjun finished. Soobin wasn't convinced about any of those and he wasn't doubting his friend, were simply surprised that in college people still took time to worry more about other’s lives than their own. 

"I'm just telling you what I know," Yeonjun said again, noticing the lack of reaction. "I didn't see any of it and I don't think we should judge people based on their appearance." 

"I know. It's just…" Soobin felt the words getting stuck at the top of his tongue, it was still hard to open up to people and in the weeks he's been here he has learned a lot about Yeonjun - mostly because the boy was a blabber; he learned he has two mothers, that in freshman year he dated this girl who cheated on him, that he had low tolerance on spicy things, both of them were currently watching Haikyuu for the first time…and yet Soobin felt hard to tell the other more about himself. Yeonjun felt like a real friend to him and he was afraid to just feel like a stranger to the other boy. "I've been on my fair share of rumors and they destroy a person sometimes."

Yeonjun nodded seriously. "The reason why you missed years of high school?" 

Soobin couldn't believe the other remembered it from their first conversation. "Yeah. So I don't want to jump to conclusions." 

"Obviously." Yeonjun finished and Soobin was delighted to see he didn't press further, didn't ask for more information on what he wasn't ready to give. "Do you have free time today?" 

"That was my last class."

"Good, because I have to meet my protégé today," Yeonjun said but he lacked emotion when speaking about it. 

Soobin concealed a laugh. "What's that?"

"The dance club has like mentoring programs? And I've been trying to run away from it but Hoseok made me get a student under my help this year." He said, rolling his eyes. "I can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of someone else?" 

"You're taking care of me." Soobin joked. "I think you're doing fine."

"Yeah but you're my age and my friend," Yeonjun said and Soobin felt an unexpectable urge to control his tears at the word friend. "What if this is like an annoying kid who's going to hate me and be slightly homophobic?" 

"What's slightly homophobic?" Soobin started, getting up and dragging Yeonjun with him. "You're either homophobic or not, there is no in-between."

"Oh dear Soobin, you have a lot to learn." He said, linking their arms and guiding him through the halls into the meeting that he was dreading to have. 

  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  
  


Turns out the kid wasn't bad at all. His name was Huening Kai and he had the cutest face both of them had seen. He also had a lot of energy and excitement in his body, and he and Yeonjun got along just fine. 

"I was nervous to meet you because everyone spoke so highly of you on orientation day," Kai admitted, shoving a piece of ice cream Soobin had gotten for him down his mouth.

"What?" Yeonjun yelled, almost spilling his own. Soobin extended him a napkin. "Who? Was it Chaeryeong?" 

"No, but she was really sweet actually." 

Soobin listened to them talk and enjoyed the afternoon warmth on campus. He was eating his piece of ice cream, observing the people around (definitely not looking for a specific someone in the crowds). His mind went back to Beomgyu, no matter how much he tried not to. The boy's first impression was truly a severe one and he did radiate a mysterious aura but Soobin saw a little more, the way they talked about She-Ra that very first day, how he worried about him being safe…

"Earth to Soobin!" He heard Yeonjun call and immediately snapped his head to face the other two. "Are you daydreaming?"

"No, just thinking." He lied. 

"Kai was surprised to find out you're also a freshman." Yeonjun continued. 

"Yeah, you guys looked closed, I assumed you were from the same grade." 

Soobin hummed. "I got held back a few years ago in high school. I and Yeonjun are just roommates."

"And friends," Yeonjun added. 

"And friends. I'm a literature major." Soobin finished, not sure what else he was meant to say for the conversation. Thankfully he had Yeonjun to continue it with his gift of always knowing what to say next. 

"Kai is taking some creative writing aren't you?" 

The younger boy nodded. Soobin noticed he reassembled a puppy with his big eyes and smile, always ready to please and bring cheerfulness. Soobin immediately took a liking to the boy. 

"I am taking that class too! We can help each other." Kai reacted enthusiastically to the claim, smiling at the other widely. Soobin couldn't stop wondering how long the calmness would last. He wasn't used to being around so many people and they enjoyed his company. There was also a constant fear in the back of his brain telling that Yeonjun would get tired of him, that he had better and more interesting friends, that he was hanging out with him out of commodity. 

Goodbyes were said about an hour later, Kai being unbelievably cute about saying how happy he was to meet such kind people. 

"He was so cute wasn't he?" Yeonjun asked when they were walking into the dorms. 

"Looked like a puppy," Soobin admitted. 

"Right?!" 

The rest of the walk to the dorms was done in silence. He kept questioning how much he was being a freight to Yeonjun but he did appreciate the way the other respected his boundaries and his time alone. He got a call from his mother as soon as he arrived in the dorm. 

"Excuse me." He told Yeonjun and walked outside. "Hi, mom."

_ "Hi, baby! How are you doing?"  _ She asked, her sweet tone warming Soobin to the bones. 

"I'm fine. Just a bit stressed about classes. What about you?"

_ "I'm okay sweetie. Are you sure you're okay? You sound off."  _

Soobin took a deep breath. He didn't want to drop all his stupid insecurities on top of his mother, he knew already how stressed she might be. "Yes, just classes are annoying." 

She hummed.  _ "You've been eating right? Don't skip your meals, you know it does you no good."  _

"Yeah, my roommate eats like there's no tomorrow and he's always making me eat too." 

_ "Is he nice?" _

Was Yeonjun nice? That wasn't a hard question to answer. "Yes. We are friends." 

_ "I'm so happy to hear that love!"  _ His mom seemed excited and that was enough to bring a small smile to him.  _ "I won't bother you anymore. Please call me more often okay baby?"  _

"Okay, mom. I love you."

_ "I love you so much." _

Before going back he sat down on the corridor where his and Yeonjun's room was located. Some kids passed around but not a lot of them paid much attention to the kid sitting on the ground. He wasn't having a hard time, just overwhelmed with emotions; from missing his mom, his room, his old routine. College wasn't bad but he was stressed, the feeling of not being enough taking over every day no matter how hard he shoved it down. 

He didn't lie to his mother. He was anxious but it wasn't because of class. It was a feeling inside of him consuming him, stressing him out about now knowing who he was, what he was doing there. Everything sounded and looked pointless and he wasn't sure how he could turn it around. He looked at the staircase, a few kids going down to probably have dinner. All of them hang out in friend groups, a lot of noise, and easiness in their steps that Soobin envied. 

Before opening his door and get inside again he caught a glimpse of the same black clothes he has been looking (hoping) for all day. Beomgyu smiled at him, a cute small smile, and mouthed  _ are you okay? _ Soobin felt his heart clenched. All he wanted was to go to him, talk with him, get to know him a little better. But he has never been brave enough for the first steps. He has never been brave enough for anything. 

He simply nodded. Looked like Beomgyu would come in his direction but some kids appeared and started humming and Beomgyu's expression dropped immediately, waving Soobin goodbye and going down the stairs, pulling his hoodie up. Soobin sighed.  _ Another missed opportunity, those seem to hunt you _ , he thought to himself. 

When he entered back a typhoon seemed to have passed by their room. Blankets and pillows were on the floor and a makeshift projector was connected to Yeonjun's computer, Haikyuu paused on their blank wall. He raised his eyebrows at Yeonjun who was just sitting in the pillows on the ground. The boy tapped the spot next to him. 

"C'mon we were almost finished with this episode." The boy simply said. "I also have instant ramen and diet Coke." 

Soobin smiled and sat next to him. "That sounds like an unhealthy option, especially for a dancer." 

"Hey man, don't judge me! I have needs." Yeonjun continued, gulping on his soda. "Besides you looked like you were having a bad day, nothing better than some bad food and quality anime to fix it." 

His heart doubled the size of those words. His day had been a mess but he always managed a great job in hiding it, he didn't expect the other to notice. But Yeonjun didn't sound annoyed, he was genuinely trying to make him feel better. 

"Thank you." Soobin simply said and he felt a hand coming to his shoulder, a comforting gesture. Yeonjun simply pressed play and the two of them spent the rest of the evening watching the show, engulfed in the plot, and throwing random commentary here and then. It didn't magically cure Soobin out of his dangerous thoughts but it sure eased him a bit, the way he craved earlier.  _ A friend.  _

  
  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  
  


Creative writing was his favorite class but also the class that provided him with the biggest bummers. The professor was nice and he was sure she liked him but that wasn't particularly a good thing, as she always expected the best out of him. The assignment they were meant to handle was going to be their first graded one of the semester and Soobin was just slightly freaking out (a funny euphemism from his side). The teacher claimed she had high hopes for his work and that had sent a spiral of critical thoughts into his brain. 

The bus schedule back home heavily rested on his wallet, waiting for his first slip up. But so far he didn't have to take into account running away. Granted, he didn't see Beomgyu the whole week yet again and the theory that he created that whole person in his head was starting to sound tempting. The greatest part of his weeks was usually going back to the dorm and hanging out with Yeonjun. The other boy never stopped and that wasn't an over-exaggeration at all; last week he took some extra credit painting classes, was doing a sculpture for one of his classes, took Kai on a tour to the city - bringing Soobin along with them - and even decided to start doing power walks in the afternoon. Dragging Soobin, once more, with him. 

He wasn't convinced how much of a friendship they had since he hasn't shared much with the other but it didn't seem like Yeonjun would get tired of him at any point. These were the thoughts that plagued his mind while he laid his head on a table in the furthest corner of the library. His work assignment was an introductory piece on themselves and Soobin was stuck in describing himself. 

He thought about making some mentions to the past and his troubles but it sounded too depressing and he didn't want his teacher to pity grade him. But then again there wasn't much to him that rolled deeper than that. Yet he decided to write about himself only scratching the surface and, so far, it was nothing but bland and boring.  _ Maybe that's an accurate description of who I am.  _

He hit his low point when he wrote the word  _ simple _ when describing his style, so he let his face fall to the table, maybe the pain would wake him up. 

"Hard times?" He heard a voice speak from the other side of the table and he quickly yanked his head up and almost dropped his computer on the ground. 

The boy chuckled shyly. He was wearing some denim black shorts and a graphic black tee. Some currents hung low on his neck, some spiky earrings and he looked tired but handsome nevertheless. "Sorry if I scared you. But you're in my spot." Beomgyu spoke sternly but his smile threatened to say otherwise. 

"Am I?" He asked, slightly scared. 

"Yes, but I will let you pass because you're cute." The other said, sitting right in front of him. "I'm not interrupting am I?" 

"Not at all," Soobin said letting the words linger in his brain.  _ Him? Cute?  _ "Just working on some assignment for my creative writing class and it's been nerve-wracking." 

"I took that class last year. It was my best class." Beomgyu admitted. "Can I read it?" 

Soobin instantly felt a panic surround his body. He was tempted to say yes just because Beomgyu gave him a sense of safety but on the other side, it would imply he would have to let this boy he found attractive to read about his very bland and somewhat boring personality. Not that he had many chances but it would be burying the negative ones he has. 

"I see from your response taking so long that maybe I can't. It's okay, I get it." Beomgyu said, resting his face on his hands and leaning into the table. 

"Sorry, it's just… it's terrible so far." 

"It's the first assignment right?" Soobin nodded at the question. "So it's the introductory piece. Pity I was looking to get to know you a little bit." 

Soobin hoped the lights in the library weren't making his blush more visible. "You're saying seeing me having a panic attack at a party wasn't enough to figure out my lame self?" 

Beomgyu seemed entertained with the answer. "I'm saying knowing you're into She-Ra wasn't enough to figure you out, yeah. And I don't think you're lame, you're still speaking with me." 

"Of course I am. You're nice." Soobin confessed. And it wasn't a half-lie like the ones he's been throwing recently. He meant it. 

"You haven't heard any rumors yet?" Beomgyu asked and Soobin felt his face fall. He had heard the rumors, since becoming aware of those, he seemed to get in contact with it more often than he wanted. "Your silence says it all." 

"I shouldn't judge anyone's characters by stories told about them, only knowing them will I know." Soobin simply said. He didn't believe or not in the rumors but he always gave people the benefit of the doubt, especially someone that seemed so nice to him. 

Beomgyu's smile was sad but he didn't take his eyes off the other boy. There was a short silence pause in between them but it didn't feel uncomfortable, resembled those prolonged silences that he gave Yeonjun sometimes. 

"That's different from you." Beomgyu finished. 

"Different? Is that bad?" 

Beomgyu beamed again. "I didn't say that. If you're out of inspiration for that essay maybe I can help you?" 

Soobin raised his eyebrows but encouraged the other to go on. "The botanic garden in the science building is often filled with biology students but it's very beautiful to see. Maybe we can go there together?" 

Soobin tried not to let his enthusiasm show as he nodded. Before he could get ready to get up and leave he heard some giggles from the table on their side. Beomgyu seemed to notice it too as he looked at them and his expression faded. He gulped and got up immediately. "Maybe another time if it's okay? I have to leave." 

Soobin nodded. He didn't want to press the other further on what happened or what those people were but it didn't make Beomgyu comfortable. On the other hand, it pained him. He was looking forward to being with the other a little bit more. 

Before he left Beomgyu turned around and extended his phone onto Soobin. He quirked his eyebrow, not understanding the gesture. A small smile ghosted in the other boy's expression. "You don't catch a hint, do you? I am asking for your number. So we can go on another time." 

Soobin cheeks were colored with a red tint now and he was sure he wasn't doing a great job hiding it. He still quickly typed his number on the other boy’s phone (that he noticed had a cute pink theme) and handled it back. 

"Looking forward to meeting you randomly again," Beomgyu said before literally sprinting off the library and leaving the ghost of his presence behind, the only remains of it were the crimson tint in Soobin's cheeks. 

He knew he wasn't going to get any work done now after this, the whole interaction playing on a loop in his brain. In other circumstances, if this would happen with anyone else, he would be counting it as a flirting interaction but in his very closeted brain, it didn't make sense that would happen in the real world and especially not to him. He shoved it down his brain just like everything he usually does and hoped it wouldn't explode at any given moment. For now, all he had to worry about was finish this assignment and wait anxiously for the time the other would text him. 

  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  
  


And that happened in the worst possible timing. Like everything in his life. He has never been to this side of the art building but recently Yeonjun has been making him spend more time with him there. This week's Yeonjun new obsession that would end up going away the next day (a title Soobin had trademarked himself) was making clothes. And that's how he found himself being almost stabbed to death with needles. 

"Can you stay quiet?" Yeonjun mumbled, proceeding to stab him again in the arm. 

"I can't stay still if you keep pinching me with those." He was standing still, wearing a bunch of fabrics that Yeonjun was going to stitch together but first, apparently, he needed to let it fit nicely in his body. 

"Stop being a baby," Yeonjun said in between laughs. 

"Why are you using me as a model even? Don't you have any other friends?" 

For the past week, Soobin has been feeling a bit heavy with responsibilities and doubts and one of them was the constant fear that Yeonjun would end up abandoning him at some point. So he's been dropping that question in their conversations, something Yeonjun has been dismissing. Until today. "Why do you keep asking me that?" Yeonjun said seriously although he was still focused on the fabrics. 

"I don't know, just wondering." 

"I do have friends but not all my friends listen to me babble about Pokémon for over an hour and still want to spend time with me," Yeonjun said easily. 

He tried to recall the conversation in question but there wasn't one discussion about it but rather multiple ones they shared recently over it. They even considered buying a switch together so they could buy the game and play. Of course, that plan fell short when they realized they didn't have any money. 

"We've talked about Pokémon various times." 

"And you listened to me talk about my expressionism essay and even asked questions." 

"It was interesting." Soobin refuted. 

"And you bought me dinner when I had that horrible grade in my classics class."

"You looked sad and I know food brings you happiness," Soobin added. 

"And you massaged my foot the night before my evaluation." 

"I couldn't let you get more hurt." Soobin continued. "I don't see what this links to anything?" 

Yeonjun sighed and looked at him. "You're my best friend don't you see it? You're a great listener and great help and you're sweet to me. And unless you have another best friend behind my back I think I'm yours too." 

Soobin could feel the wires in his brain shortcutting one by one. He never saw it in perspective but they did spend a lot of time together and doing things that would be considered the norm for best friends.  _ Best friends.  _ Soobin didn't know what that sensation felt like or at least didn't remember a time where he had one. It all was new and foreign to him and even though things like that usually scared him, this time it was strangely calm. 

"I'm sorry." He started, sitting next to Yeonjun who was now sketching on the ground but clearly affected by it. "I never had a best friend before? I didn't even think it was the case with us but you're right. You're my best friend too." 

"It's okay. I'm not mad at you or anything, I know you go through your shit and something happened with you. I just want to be there for you in the same way you're here for me." 

Soobin did something that he hasn't done in a long time. He hugged Yeonjun, giving him a rub in the back. "You do more than you imagine." 

Yeonjun smiled and they quickly went back to their work. A few minutes later they heard a sound coming from Soobin's phone that was discarded on the table. He came back to his spot, flaunting his arms so Yeonjun could continue pinching him with needles. 

"Aren't you going to answer?" Yeonjun asked, pointing at his phone. 

"I don't even know who's texting me," Soobin said. He didn't get many texts aside from Yeonjun's daily's _ have you eaten  _ small reminders. "Can you check?" Yeonjun simply nodded, getting the phone from the table and reading the messages. He laughed before extending the phone. 

"Why are you laughing?" Soobin asked before picking up the phone and reading the message. 

(14:56)

_ hi!! :) _

(14:57)

_ it's beomgyu.  _

_ i am re watching she-ra and it reminded me of you.  _

_ how are you doing?  _

Soobin felt like fireworks exploding inside of him. He tried to control his smile but Yeonjun saw right through him, hiding his laugh as he placed and switched fabrics in the piece he was working on. As always he started overthinking all the answer possibilities for the text. Thinking of ways to answer, what it meant that the other was watching one of his favorite shows, how could he answer back in the same laid back way Beomgyu seemed to do. How could he continue a conversation and not let it end? 

Remembering the conversation that happened a few minutes before with his friend, who was now scrolling on his phone by the table, he made a quick decision. "Help me please," Soobin said, getting off the podium and walking into his friend. "How do I answer this without ending the conversation?" 

Yeonjun read the messages quickly and laughed. "Just tell him how you are and ask how he is back." 

"Isn't that boring?" He wondered out loud but Yeonjun dismissed it immediately. 

"It's a regular conversation. Then you can tease him about the other message. Let the conversation flow." 

Soobin rolled his eyes. "You expect a lot of me." 

(15:01)

**hi!**

**i'm fine, just doing some projects for my roommate.**

"Good one." Yeonjun joked by his shoulder. Soobin shoved him off laughing. 

(15:02)

**how are you?**

"So… my self-proclaimed best friend." Yeonjun started, taking the shirt off Soobin for stitching. It looked weird but in a way that Soobin learned how to appreciate from Yeonjun; a mix of colors and patterns that only the other would be able to pull off. 

"I fell right into that trap didn't I?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," Yeonjun exclaimed excitingly. "Didn't know you had boy troubles."

"He's just a friend." 

"I saw like five emotions going through your face before hitting send."

"That's because I get nervous every time I text people." Soobin tried to distract, his brain going overdrive and his heart beating fast over the implications of the sentence. 

"I'm just saying. They say people like me can recognize others and you're looking familiar right now." Yeonjun teased and it proved to be a bad moment because Soobin almost choked himself with the intensity of his cough. It was a good time as ever for the phone to  _ ping _ again. 

(15:07)

_ better now _ . 

(15:09)

**im glad to hear i reinforced the obsession with shera**

(15:13) 

_ jokes on you it never went away  _

_ but thank you nonetheless _

"Ask about his classes." Yeonjun teased him again and Soobin hummed. 

"I told you he is just my friend, it's not what you're thinking" 

"And I'm telling you how I would talk to a... _ friend _ ." He finished, emphasizing the last word. 

(15:20)

**don't you have classes?**

(15:23)

_ finished off early. _

_ passed by the gardens on my way to the dorms and reminded of our little promise _

_ still up for that I hope? _

Soobin tried to hide his smile before answering. 

(15:25)

**of course**

**can't wait**

  
  


**___________________________________________ **

  
  
  


By the time their plans got a proper schedule and date, Soobin was freaking out on the outside for the first time in forever. And Yeonjun was there to make fun of him. 

"Looking stylish today," Yeonjun commented on his bed where he was currently working on a small canvas painting and a big paint stain on his face. Soobin looked down in the mirror. He was wearing some light denim jeans, a white shirt, and a sweater vest because it was starting to get cold these days. He wouldn't classify it as stylish in any way but the other disagreed immediately before he could refute it any further. 

"Hanging out with the mysterious guy today?" 

Soobin rolled his eyes. "He has a name." 

Yeonjun mumbled something under his breath that he couldn't quite catch and continued to paint what looked like a sunrise on the little canvas. "I like the vest, it's different from your usual style." 

"Maybe because I stole it from your wardrobe."

"What!" Yeonjun yelled, almost dropping his palette on the ground. "I knew I recognized that from somewhere. Who gave you the right to steal from my wardrobe?" 

"You always look so put together, I just wanted to look nice. Besides you're the one who self-proclaimed us as best friends." 

"I knew this was also coming to bite me in the ass one day," Yeonjun said getting up and walking towards Soobin to fix his vest. "Let me give you a tip for your first date." 

Soobin rolled his eyes again. "It's not a date." 

Yeonjun ignored him. "Confidence is everything. You can look nice as long as you convince yourself of that, your attitude is what will define how this goes." He finished, ruffling Soobin's hair a bit. 

Truth to be told, throughout the whole walk to their meeting spot, he couldn't stop thinking about those words and what they meant in the long run. He never recognized himself to be confident in himself, especially after everything that happened and he always thought confidence was something it came from within. Yeonjun was living proof that it wasn't that simple, he couldn't picture an outline where the boy wasn't the confident persona he witnessed but maybe it was just a perfectly crafted scenario, a shield. 

Soobin could try and try to use that mask but he wasn't sure he was apt to execute it as perfectly as his friend. Especially considering when he saw Beomgyu wait for him, a black leather jacket hanging on his shoulders, his heart started beating so fast it clouded his brain somehow. 

The other was dressed in his typical black attire but today, alongside his leather jacket, a dark red shirt replaced his black tees. 

"Hi." Soobin gained the courage to say when he approached the other boy. 

Beomgyu smiled a soft thing that warmed Soobin's heart. "Hi. Fancy seeing you here." 

"Yeah, I'm waiting for this guy here, maybe you can help me find him?" Soobin tried to joke to ease his beating heart but it only proved to be even worse when that was the reason behind Beomgyu's giggles. 

"He might be waiting for you in the botanical garden, I can take you there." 

Soobin laughed and followed the other who was pointing out in the science building direction. 

"How is the creative writing essay going?" Beomgyu asked.  _ School, simple enough for a conversation.  _

"Probably even worse than last time. I have a draft but I am not happy with it." 

"It's hard writing about ourselves right?" 

"Tell me about it." Soobin found himself easily answering, no huge plan in his brain before opening his mouth. That was new. 

"But you know, I hated that assignment too at first. It was so hard for me to write about myself and with the air surrounding me even worse. So I wrote everything on the surface, tried to make it seem like I wasn't that special.

Soobin found himself in those words, the same thoughts running through his mind just a few days ago. 

"Then I submitted it to Miss Yeo and she gave me a horrible grade. She explained she didn't want us to limit yourselves but rather dig deep into our self-perspective. Everyone got a bad grade so I wouldn't worry much." Beomgyu finished. 

"Was that supposed to be reassuring? Because it made me even more stressed." 

Beomgyu laughed again as he let himself be lead through the streets next to him in the cold afternoon. The boy seemed relaxed, which was a direct contrast to how Soobin was feeling right now. 

"Sorry sorry." He continued. "But maybe you can take some comfort from here and know what to change." 

"Problem is I'm not that interesting, to begin with." 

Beomgyu made a dismissing sound. "You sure? Doesn't seem like that to me." 

"You don't know much about me." 

"Maybe I'm just a great judge of character." He finished, pointing out to some big gates that lead into a nice garden view. "After you." 

Soobin smiled, entering the place full of students already casually chatting, some sketching, and a team of kids dressed in lab coats that he assumed was biology students looking for samples. 

The environment was pretty magical when you looked at the passages full of routes and big trees with their branches falling and flowers of every color spread around the area. 

"This is stunning," Soobin exclaimed in wonder. 

"It is. Told you this is an inspiration-filled place." Beomgyu whispered which sent some chills down his spine. "Want to see an even better place?" 

Soobin nodded enthusiastically. Beomgyu pushed him through one of the entries that looked like a branch of a forest maze and they speed-walked there with Soobin pointing out at the beautiful purple flowers in that area. Beomgyu just giggled at him, explaining those were named  _ Hyacinthus _ . 

"Do you know the legend behind those?" Beomgyu asked cheekily. 

**"** Something to do with the Greek God Apollo being a disaster gay or something," Soobin replied without thinking about the words that came out of his mouth. When he realized he felt panic overwhelm him and immediately tried to backtrack. "I m-mean!... Ahm…"

Beomgyu laughed loudly and he noted he never heard this laugh before, so genuine and natural. 

"Something along those lines yeah. Hyacinth was playing with Apollo - with whom he was dating at the time - a game of quoit and they were taking turns to throw the discus. Zephyrus, the god of the wind, who also had an interest in Hyacinth, didn't like to see his love with Apollo, changed the course of the discus with the wind and it hit Hyacinth fatally in the head." 

"Greek myths are wild." Soobin pointed out in between laughs, which Beomgyu agreed with. 

"They were. The point was Apollo, devastated with the death of his lover, created the flower with the blood spilled. And that's how we got that flower you were admiring. But I see someone knows their mythology." Beomgyu teased him, shoving him playfully as they walked slowly. 

"This is embarrassing but I read the Percy Jackson books more times than I should admit out loud."

"Hey!" Beomgyu started, showing a type of passion he hasn't witnessed yet in the other. "Me too! I love Rick's books, I have read all of them." 

They ended up spending some time discussing their favorite characters and beloved books from the universe before Beomgyu pushed him once again to an open space where an old bandstand stood, now covered with ivy and paintings from what he assumed the students had left their mark. 

"That's my favorite spot." Beomgyu pointed. 

"That's so pretty. This whole place is gorgeous." 

"It used to be a house from a very rich man apparently but his heirs sold the land to the university and now it serves as a botanical garden and a place where students rest and spend their time." 

"Are there any greenhouses around?" He breathed deeply before asking, trying not to let memories get back to him. 

"Yeah, one of them is open to the public I think." Beomgyu continued, leading him into the center of the bandstand and sitting on the ground. "Interested in botanicals?" 

Soobin sat slowly next to him. "My dad was a botanist." He picked those words carefully before spreading his fingers through a beautiful painting in the ground of a sun. 

"Was? If you don't mind me asking of course." Beomgyu said, very polite. 

"He died a few years ago. But me and my mom love visiting greenhouses, remind us of him." 

Beomgyu didn't apologize for his loss, didn't say anything corny like everyone his whole life had forced onto him. They sat in silence together, the wind blowing Beomgyu's long-ish hair. 

"I don't think I could keep a plant for the life of me. I would forget to water it and it would die immediately." Beomgyu confessed which earned him a laugh. 

"Maybe a cactus would be for you then. They're not high maintenance." 

"Do you think I would be a good plant dad?" Beomgyu claimed, smiling. 

"I could help you, I have some knowledge." Soobin offered.

Beomgyu laughed again. "This is nice."

Soobin imagined he meant the company and he had to agree with it. "It is. Thank you for inviting me, I needed some time off the studies." 

"Anytime." Soobin committed the mistake to look at the other boy as he said it, finding him smile fondly at him as a small sun ray peaked from the clouds hit his face, lightning it. He looked handsome and Soobin took his time to admire it, let it sink in while he could call it innocent. "So did you finish She-Ra?" 

Soobin laughed loudly. "I have a lot of emotions about that finale." 

"Please share it with me. I think they might be the same." 

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


Since that afternoon things slightly shifted in their relationship. Text messages were more frequent, about TV shows and books mostly, Soobin promised to even make a list with the best YA novels for Beomgyu (a genre that, surprisingly enough, the other appreciated). 

Yeonjun kept teasing him about the amount of time he spent talking with or about Beomgyu, Soobin dropping the matter immediately. 

He found himself hanging out with Kai a lot, even without Yeonjun. Because they shared over a class apparently - a fact that shocked Soobin - they found themselves often grouping and studying. At some point in their English class, they had to form groups for a project and Kai had immediately clung to him, claiming him. 

Soobin noticed everyone in class pairing with others and forming groups easily and he felt happy to at least have Kai, otherwise he would've ended up one of those sad kids who never gets picked. 

Which was the reason why he took pity on Taehyun. He had to admit pity wasn't the right word, in reality, he was very much afraid of the other boy. But he didn't seem to have anyone to group with for the project and he remembered that the boy and Beomgyu were friends, and any remembrance of the latter made Soobin feel unexplainable emotions. 

"Hey, Taehyun!" He called the other on the break after the announcement of the project. "If you don't have anyone to group with you can join me and Kai." 

"He can?" Kai asked, perplexed, raising his eyebrows at him. 

"He can." Soobin stood his ground, gesturing to the other boy. 

Taehyun smiled at him. "That would be great, yes. I was afraid I had to invite myself into some random group." 

"Yeah, I know how hard that is," Soobin confessed. "But I'm sure the three of us can get good grades on this assignment. This is Kai, he's not a literature major but for some reason, he takes a lot of these classes." 

"I'm indecisive okay!" Kai said, nodding in Taehyun's direction. "Hi."

"Hi," Taehyun said, eyeing the other boy from top to bottom. Even Soobin felt intimidated. "I shall see if Beomgyu is right about you Soobin."

Soobin almost tripped after hearing that, even if they had been staying still in the corridor. 

"Don't need to get nervous. These will be some interesting weeks for all of us." Taehyun finished, waving them goodbye and disappearing into the halls. 

"I think you made a mistake." Kai joked but, like everything with Kai, it went away quickly, the other asking him if he would be interested in getting some food with him. 

He imagined what kind of things Beomgyu had told Taehyun about him. Granted, the boy had always been ambiguous in a different way people claimed Beomgyu was. He was intimidating in a much scarier way. 

He also didn't know how much of friends both of them were. But the thought still lingered in his mind and sent him into a spiral of ideas and stories that could explain that snarky remark. 

Kai left after they had dinner to meet up with the dance crew and Yeonjun, Soobin telling him to warn Yeonjun not to get too late to the dorm because he had early classes in the morning. 

He was now enjoying a small dessert in the cafeteria to run his mind off things. In between classes, texting Beomgyu, running into him occasionally, and doing projects he had forgotten to call his mother. 

He wondered what she was doing; maybe watching TV or listening to the old radio like she loves to do,  _ living in the past _ she often told him. He wondered if she was taking care of the plants in their small gardens. 

He got a message around that time, hoping it would be his mother to soothe him of his anxieties. He needed it today, after so many hours of repressing his emotions.

(20:12)




_ how's the chocolate cake?  _

Soobin couldn't help the smile creeping on his face. 

  
  


(20:12)

**did you get a hidden camera spying on me?**

(20:13) 

_ no, im just amazing at hiding.  _

"I can see that," Soobin spoke, looking at the boy approaching him, a hoodie covering part of his looks but that was a constant for him already it seemed. 

"Before anything," Beomgyu said, sitting down in front of him. "I want to apologize for whatever Taehyun said and/or might say to you." 

Soobin giggled. "So you're telling me I should be scared of him as much as I am right now?"

"Please don't!" Beomgyu sounded panicked which was a nice swift in attitude for them. "He couldn't hurt a fly if he wanted. But he's way too overprotective of me, which he shouldn't I might add."

"Sounds a bit crazy that you, out of all people, needed a bodyguard." Soobin teased him. Recently he has been feeling a bit more laid back next to the other, Beomgyu always making sure to get a comfortable environment whenever they talk. He appreciated it. 

Everything was easy with Beomgyu after all. 

"Anyways, that's what I came to say. Now I'm off to do some laundry." Beomgyu began, getting up, but Soobin stopped him in his tracks by grabbing his wrist on a whim.

"What if I make you company?" 

The smile Beomgyu gave him was all worth it.

Truth to be told he had some laundry to do but he did it regularly so there wasn't much to grab. Instead, he got some things from Yeonjun's side because he knew the other was extremely messy when it came to washing clothes. 

Beomgyu was waiting for him outside his dorm. Soobin guaranteed there wouldn't be a problem with him getting in but the other kept stating he wanted to be respectful. 

This wasn't bad news at all, it gave him time to breathe inside and give himself an imaginary pep talk in the mirror. He knew this boy, they were somewhat friends so he wouldn't have to worry about it. Even if a small fear in his brain kept reminding him it wouldn't last forever. 

The problem didn't lay on his doubts over a friendship. The true quest lay in the bubbling butterflies in his stomach every time Beomgyu spoke to him in a slightly soft tone, in the looks they shared, the text messages. The blooming feelings that he wasn't particularly ready to face. 

_ You're just doing laundry.  _ He replied to himself. 

Even if he could picture something with the other boy, it was far away from the reality he faced himself in. Being in the closet brought so many insecurities over the idea of being out and people know about him. The worst he could do now was getting into a relationship. 

_ Getting into a relationship _ , he mocked himself. They were just friends, he made sure to clear that with Yeonjun and sure sounded like he was also trying to convince himself of it. 

"Ready. Picked my roommates’ clothes too." He said when he met with the other outside. 

"You're a great roommate. All Taehyun does is complain about classes and kick my things." 

"You share with Taehyun?" He asked, trying to sound casual. 

The other boy snickered on their way to the laundromat. "Mother pulled some strings for us to dorm together. My roommate last year was a disaster, I'm pretty sure he didn't say good things about me around." 

Soobin hummed but he didn't like the idea of someone like that, just bad-mouthing his friend. 

"That's stupid. He probably didn't even know you." 

"He sure didn't," Beomgyu said. "But it's the problem with entitled people, they think they can figure you out quickly. 

"I'm sorry." He said, not sure what words to use to comfort his friend right now. 

"You don't have to apologize for anything. I'm fine." Beomgyu said, bringing his hand to rub quickly at Soobin's arm. He was sure electricity sparked where they touched. 

The walk was slow, surely because of all the clothes they were carrying. For some reason, he realized the boy had gotten closer to him physically, their arms brushing together. It was comforting.

Their conversation promptly came, the various topics being discussed at a fast pace. He never met someone with whom he could speak so smoothly within the ways he does with Beomgyu. I swore they could have a conversation about broccoli without sounding awkward - which they had at some point. 

"Oh look, it's empty. Thank God." Beomgyu said, pushing the doors open. The laundromat was your typical place, with some sitting areas for you to wait for your clothes and the equipment to clean your clothes. 

The led lights were the star of the show, giving the place a dim light illumination at night. It looked pretty. 

"If there's one thing I barely know how to do is laundry, you have to help me," Soobin confessed. 

"How have you been surviving then?" Beomgyu asked incredulously, already filling one laundry basket. 

Soobin giggled. "I am not sure. Probably a matter of luck." 

"Taehyun is like that too but he's a freshman." Beomgyu easily shoved his clothes inside the laundry machine and put some coins inside. It started working almost immediately.

"I'm a freshman too!" Soobin argued back, trying to replicate the easiness of the other gesture in the other laundry machine but making the clothes all fall to the ground instead. Beomgyu quickly rose to help him. "Thanks." He finished embarrassed.

Beomgyu just dismissed him, muttering a small  _ anytime  _ as he sat down on the ground. Soobin sat next to him and scrolled through his phone mindlessly, trying not to let the moment be awkward. 

"There's no one here, want to listen to music?" Beomgyu asked, lifting his bag and taking a speaker out of it. 

Soobin chuckled. "You didn't strike me as the type to carry one of those." 

"I'm a man of many surprises." Beomgyu insisted, a soft tune coming out that Soobin recognized as Hozier coming out. "You keep saying that." 

"Say what?" 

"That you don't expect me to be  _ that  _ type. What do you expect me to be? A heartless mysterious guy everyone is afraid of? A misunderstood boy that needs saving?" 

He knew the tone wasn't supposed to be attacking but he could feel the bitterness in the other voice as if he's been used to this. As if, people painting him a certain way, was something he had learned how to deal with. 

Which was unfair. He shouldn't be able to carry such a burden and yet there he was the ever so brave one.

_ What did he expect Beomgyu to be?  _ When they first met, sure he wanted Beomgyu to be that guy. But that quickly pointed out to be a lie, and the more they spent together and talked - which was a start - he realized that the other was just a young one, like him, trying to figure out their way in the world. 

A cute one too. 

"I'm sorry." Soobin simply said. 

"It's okay. I shouldn't have said that." 

"You were right. I mean… I don't think of you like that, or go along with what everyone thinks. But I should make an effort to get to know you and don't expect you to be someone else." 

Beomgyu hummed. He didn't want to say anything yet so Soobin took that as the cue to continue. 

"This is not a justification but it's kind of what I do though? I create stories and possibilities in my brain about every single thing in my life, every one that crosses my way. My therapist used to say it's a way for me to ground myself, to remember that I exist and the world around me subsists. That I use it as a coping mechanism to…" He breathed in. He couldn't believe he was confessing this out loud, he has never been able to do so. "As a coping mechanism to my father's death. Maybe I have an idealized version of you but it's genuinely not harmful." 

Hozier's voice rang beautifully in the background, shifting the mood into something more pleasant as if he didn't drop a huge bomb in the other's direction. He thought of himself as a freight once again, wondering for how long Beomgyu would entertain him. 

"Do you have an idealized version of me?" Beomgyu asked, sincerity rooted in his words. 

"Maybe. But I'm trying to dethrone it by getting to know you."

"Okay. Then let's do it." Beomgyu suddenly got up and sat in front of him, catching his attention. They were both in the ground, facing each other now. "Ask me anything." 

"Anything?" 

"Yeah, then I will ask something back." 

"Like...20 questions?" Soobin blushed. Yeonjun made a joke a few days ago about couples being obsessed with playing that game on their first dates. 

"Something like that." 

Soobin breathed deeply. He had so many questions and wonders about him but what came off his mouth was the one he has been wondering ever since he met the boy.

"Who's your favorite She-Ra character?" 

Beomgyu, who had been serious two seconds ago, broke into a fit of laughter. "That's what you want to know?" 

"Yeah! It's important!" Soobin felt himself flush again. 

"Catra then, it's easy," Beomgyu answered and Soobin sent him a look. "I know… I know. What about you?" 

"That's hard!" Soobin answered, suddenly getting excited. "I guess like Glimmer? I like her personality and her character in general but also… Perfuma? I like her characterization and the way she finds herself and grows confidently. I think I would like to be like her." 

Beomgyu looked fondly at him. "I guess I expected this but it's good to know. My turn to ask a question then…" He seemed conflicted before continuing. "Are we allowed personal questions?" 

Soobin nodded. He could feel the question come. "How young were you when your father died?"

"Twelve," Soobin said immediately, almost as a reflex. "Cancer. We already expected it I guess but it was still hard. It was a hard battle."

"You don't need to explain anything to me. I can't even imagine the pain you've been through." 

In a way, he couldn't either and he felt it. Sometimes, in the bad days, he remembers glimpses of that time but mostly has been completely erased by him, too painful wanting to keep those types of memories. 

He realized the implication of personal questions went out to him too and maybe, deep down, he wanted to know the base about those rumors surrounding the other. But this opportunity in getting to know him seemed more important. He realized, when it was time, he would know about it. 

"My turn. Favorite dish." 

Beomgyu laughed. "Out of everything, that's what you asked?" Soobin quickly quirked his eyebrows, confirming that said question was vital to him. "I guess it depends on the days but recently I have been craving my mother's  _ bibimbap _ ." 

"Is it good?" 

"Good it's an understatement. It's amazing." Beomgyu gesticulated with his hands and Soobin found himself laughing alongside it. Simple. 

Their conversation continued with the questions easing between them, discussion topics for them to tackle just rising naturally. They covered the basics such as favorite colors, artists (Beomgyu favored music like LANY and Lauv as Soobin was more probed to pop music such as Bebe Rexha), books (their love for Percy Jackson coming back as they discussed their godly heritage, their chosen myths) and movies. Other different questions came along such as who would they choose to have dinner with, out of a lot of celebrities, random considerations of religion, and even a question about Beomgyu's hidden talents that stunned the other boy. 

"You can dance?" Soobin asked. 

"Fairly well. My dad takes dancing as a side hobby." 

Soobin was perplexed, to say the least. "What can you dance?" 

"A lot of things. Want me to show you?" Beomgyu started, rising and extending a hand towards him. Soobin looked nervous before slowly taking the hand and let himself be raised, coming to face Beomgyu. 

The other gently positioned his hand on the waist, pushing him closer. Soobin's hand instinctively came to his shoulders but he wasn't sure that was correct. 

The other seemed to have realized the doubt in his gesture. "That's more for slow dancing. One can stay in the shoulder, the other should be right around here." He said, grabbing Soobin's hand holding it up. 

They danced to the song, Beomgyu leading him in his steps, giving him tips:  _ hold tighter, one step after the other, follow my counting one two one two _ . 

It was an oddly intimate scene with the song playing softly in their background, which seemed like a love song, a soft guitar hum. Even if he wanted to look somewhere else, Beomgyu's face was right there, standing in front of him, his dark hair falling into his eyes. Soobin felt an urge to comb it. 

"Dad does ball dance. That's how he met mom." Beomgyu confessed, clearly trying to break their silence. 

"That sounds like a fairy tale story." 

Beomgyu laughed. A delicate, melodic thing. "Pretty much. They set me up with high standards for relationships." 

_ Talking about relationships,  _ Soobin could almost feel the shiver in him, the hint in their words and actions. "What kind of standards?" 

"Someone who will love me just like I am," Beomgyu said, voice barely a whisper. 

"That doesn't sound hard." Soobin found himself blurting it out, realizing the weight of his words when they stopped swinging around and Beomgyu was looking at him expecting something. 

He knew if this was a movie, if this was one of his novels, the last thing they needed to do was someone to lean in… 

That didn't happen because soon the laundry machines started beeping, their clothes ready and they realized the place they were in, very much in public, very much late at night. They disentangled fast, getting ready to get their clothes and put them in the drying machine. 

The rest of the evening went by flying, they continued talking, it was still easy but there was an awkwardness lingering in the air, something stirred in their relationship right there. 

But it wasn't bad. Something shifted for the good and Soobin realized that when they said goodbye at the dorm and Beomgyu gave him a hug, a tight one, and a promise to see each other tomorrow. 

He was getting used to it and the other boy's presence as well. For once, in his life, things started to be looking tolerable his way. 

He was happy.

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


Until he wasn't. 

He didn't realize where it shifted or how. It took a few weeks before things started to crumble down. The cold weather started to bring out the sweaters and the scarves. It was November after all. 

Classes were getting hard and assignments pilling in but he wasn't as nervous about those as he expected to be. Yeonjun helped him sometimes, not with assignments but they watched movies and shows together, he brought him food often and they even sneak out of the dorms to wander on campus and talk. It was a nice agreement they both had, a mutual distraction from the stress. 

"So...how are things with your loverboy?" Yeonjun asked on one of those nights as they sat on the rooftop of the dorms. Yeonjun somehow managed to break the lock to the door (or steal the keys, he wasn't sure yet) and they had decided to hang out and watch the sunset together.

There was also the question of Soobin trying to come out to his roommate and failing miserably. 

Ever since the beginning of the year, he had the urge to do so, and since Yeonjun started teasing him about Beomgyu even more. He needed to confess to the other how he felt towards the dark-haired boy, wanted him to help him explain why his heart beat so fast, why he was so affected by someone, how weird human attraction worked. 

But he was scared. He knew he had no reason to do so but the irrational fear still lingered in his brain, threatening to consume him. Something he couldn't even allow to do so. 

He had friends in college: some girls from his major that he studied with, Taehyun and Kai that he's been working on the project for months now and that he genuinely enjoyed staying time with (even if it looked like the two enjoyed each other company more often), Beomgyu and his soft touches, their traded messages late at night…

But it was different with Yeonjun. There was a connection there he couldn't explain, that led him into waiting to confess everything to the other. 

"Not a loverboy. Just a friend." The word friend was stuck in his tongue every time Yeonjun asked about it. Usually, he dismissed but looked like the other was up to a serious discussion today. 

"But you like him don't you?" 

Soobin gulped. He looked at the sun, admired the way it seemed to go away softly, letting the moon take his place. 

"You can't tell anyone." Soobin started, his voice barely a whisper. 

"Why would I? I promise you can't trust me! Besides it's just a crush, having crushes is so normal, I have like 5 of them per day." Yeonjun was being extremely peaceful about the situation, completely unfazed by the turmoil in his head. 

"You don't understand. I-" Soobin began, gulping. "I'm not out." 

An  _ oh _ died in Yeonjun's throat. He didn't say anything, expecting the other to continue. 

So he did. "I just… I'm afraid of what people think and that they'll just change their attitudes towards me. I'm afraid to disappoint my mom and not be the kid she wants me to be. I already caused so much pain in her life."

He had told Yeonjun recently a brief part of his story, what happened that made him miss so many years of high school. He hid most of the details, the ground-breaking ones. Yeonjun had been nothing but supportive and helpful to him. 

"Can I tell you a story?" Yeonjun asked suddenly. He nodded, he wasn't in the mood to keep talking anyhow. "You know I have two mothers right? Okay, so I never actually met my mom’s side of the family, they're not on good terms. And apparently, until I was born my mother’s side of the family also didn't speak with her. They had a hard time, both of them. They tried to reconnect with my grandparents when I was born. Now I love my grandmother and she speaks so highly of her daughter and her family: the beautiful wife and the beautiful kid." 

"How does your mom live with that? Not talking with her family…" 

"They were never good parents, to begin with. Let her go through so many bad things alone. And she found a family, literally! Now she has a kid in college and a career and a loving wife. So yeah, things aren't easy for us like ever… but in the long run, we should stay true to ourselves. Everyone will always have something to say but what matters is how we feel, what we are." 

"I'm not ready yet." 

"That I can respect. And I'm glad you trusted with me such an important thing." Yeonjun said, getting close and giving him a tight side hug, letting his arm linger in his shoulders. 

"I would trust you with everything. You're my best friend." Soobin found himself confessing, maybe his voice cracking a little bit with emotion. 

"Soob!! Are you crying?" Yeonjun mocked, hitting the other but his eyes were sparkly like he was trying hard to control his tears. "You're my best friend too." 

The day after and still in the effects of last night events he got an email from his creative writing class. His teacher asked if it would be okay for them to meet particularly to discuss something about his essay. 

He did admit it scared him, no matter how much everyone guaranteed it was normal for teachers to talk with students sometimes. 

"Can I come in?" He asked, knocking on the door of the office belonging to Miss Yeo. 

"Of course." Her stern voice made itself heard and he stepped in, taking in the modest and minimalistic space. 

"Wanted to see me?" 

"Take a seat, Mister Choi." She began, closing her notebook and focusing on him with her intimidating stare. "I wanted to speak with you about your introductory piece. 

"Oh." Soobin felt his throat go dry and his heartbeat rise. "Is something wrong with it?" 

"No. Quite the contrary, it was magnificent. I may be biased but I enjoy the way you use metaphors and comparisons to make your point across." 

_ Oh.  _ "Thank you." He said, not sure where this conversation was leading. 

"Don't worry Mister Choi you had a good grade. But I worry about something… you see I pride myself in being quite good at reading in between the lines. And I don't want, in any way, to intrude myself on personal matters of my students but I fret too." 

Soobin felt his face twist with confusion. He tried to follow Beomgyu's advice and keep the essay truthful without still revealing many details about himself and his troubles. 

"Worry?" He asked. 

Her stern face had morphed into something kind now. "Mister Choi… is everything okay? Your words about yourself were, although beautiful, sorrowful." 

_ Don't cry,  _ he tried to convince himself. He felt his throat close on him, his pulse beating fast. He couldn't allow a panic attack, not now. 

That was a loaded question of course. On the surface, he would've said yes, just like he has said to so many people in the course of the time he spent in university: to his mother, Yeonjun, his friends. 

But was it? That was a question that lingered in his brain for as long as he could remember. He didn't think he could ever recover from what happened, despite how hard he tried. No matter how normal he tried to be, it was hard keeping a mask, a façade. 

"I don't know." He said, honestly. 

She hummed. "Seeking help isn't a sign of weakness. It's one of bravery. We have very capable psychologists on campus that will be willing to help you." 

Another hit in the gut, his throat closing, even more, his pulse rushing. 

"You don't have to make any type of decision right now. Just, take this…" She handed him a card. "It's an anxiety hotline. I created it myself. If you ever need it." 

He nodded. He didn't dare to say anything else, embarrassed maybe but also touched with the gesture. He asked if he could leave and she walked him to the door, no more words. 

Words were the last thing he needed right now. He found himself walking out of the building and letting the wall be his support, resting his whole body there. He could feel the tremble and he tried to breathe in. 

"A is for Apple, B is for Banana, C is for Cat…" He started the chant, the one that usually calmed him down. It was working until he heard a voice call him. 

"I'm so glad I found you!" He heard Kai run towards him, breathing hard as if he's been running. "Taehyun has been looking… wait are you alright?"

_ Lie.  _ "I am fine. Came running down and lost my breath for a bit." 

Kai didn't seem convinced. "Right…. But Taehyun has been looking for you because...Ah look he's calling." He took the call, speaking hurriedly with the other until he turned back to face him. "He wants to talk with you."

"Hello?" Soobin started, confused, and still recovering from what happened before. 

_ "Have you seen Beomgyu?"  _ Taehyun seemed nervous which was an odd look on him. 

"Haven't seen him all day. Is everything okay?"

_ "Oh, this isn't good. I thought he might've been with you. He hasn't tried to contact you or anything?" _

"No. Taehyun what's happening with him?" Soobin started to sound grounded, now scared too. 

_ "Kai will explain to you. Please try to contact him _ . _ "  _ He finished. 

Soobin didn't let the shock take over him, despite how hard it seemed the world to be crumbling on top of him. 

"Kai, what happened?" 

The other gulped. "Beomgyu was suspended for threatening a professor." 

Soobin eyes widened, he felt perplexed. "What?"

"We don't know what happened, we tried talking with the board but they aren't allowed to disclose information and he isn't taking any calls and is nowhere to be seen." 

"Where did you check?" He was surprisingly taking this well, especially after his panic attack before but in all truths, all his mind could think right now was making sure the other was fine, safe. He didn't have time or space to think of anything else. 

"Dorms, classrooms, and stuff. Taehyun doesn't want to call his parents yet, he thought he might've been with you." 

He took a deep breath. "Let's try and check some places. I'll ask Yeonjun to keep an eye and ask around too." 

"Good idea, I will tell Taehyun."

They spent the rest of the afternoon looking for the other, homework and assignments discarded. He tried countless times to contact the boy, sending him texts. 

(15:25) 

**beomgyu… where are you? im worried**

(16:34)

**_i know you probably don't want to talk with anyone right now but im here for u._ **

**_i don't know what happened but i want to listen to you._ **

(17:45)

**i will always be here for u**

(20:12)

**_i miss you. are you okay? please just tell us something._ **

(21:04)

**beomgyu :(**

**this is probably what you least need now but i am so worried about you.**

**come back**

"Nothing," Taehyun said that night after they finally made him sit down and eat something. "It's like he disappeared from the face of the earth." 

Kai was sitting next to him, rubbing his back comfortingly. They were sitting in Taehyun and Beomgyu's very crowded dorm room. 

Soobin had never been there despite being friends with the other boy for a good two months, almost three. Granted the other hasn't been on his own either but it was because he was always polite about it. 

He sat in Beomgyu's bed and taking his time to admire the environment around him. Beomgyu sheets were black, some posters on the wall of various bands, and his guitar resting on the edge of the bed. There was also a skateboard in the ground and Soobin’s heartstrings pulled. He didn't know the other played guitar and knew how to skateboard. It wasn't the time but he couldn't stop picturing how attractive that made him. 

They heard a knock on the door and Taehyun immediately shot up, almost spilling his food on the ground only to be faced with Yeonjun. He slumped back in his spot next to Kai and sighed. 

"Sorry… So I talked to some people but nobody saw him. Although a girl from my history of art class had a friend that saw what happened." He began, sitting carefully on the ground. 

"I don't think you two have been formally introduced. Taehyun, this is Yeonjun, he is my mentor and Soobin's roommate. Yeonjun this is Taehyun." 

Yeonjun sent him a knowing nod but the other boy seemed interested in something else. 

"What did she see?" 

"They don't know what happened, only that she was getting in for the next class and saw him talk with the teacher. And then Beomgyu grabbed his teacher's arm and they started arguing. Then the board came." Yeonjun told the story and Taehyun sighed…

"What were you thinking Beomgyu…" He whispered but all of them heard it. 

"You know I don't know what happened but that's not going to help in his curriculum." Yeonjun started. 

"You don't know what happened!" Taehyun snapped and everyone tensed. 

"I know dude! I'm not like… blaming him, I don't know what happened. But that's shitty." 

The four of them sighed. They couldn't eat most of their food, the moods completely ruined. Yeonjun rubbed Soobin's knee, mouthing  _ are you okay?  _

Soobin just wanted to cry. Now that things were calming down he felt the whole day collapsing onto him. The meeting with his teacher seemed so long ago, decades almost but it was only that morning. Her words heavy in his heart, and now Yeonjun's.

The feeling of not knowing if Beomgyu was okay… that was even worse. He could feel his spirits coming to him again, threatening to take over. He was still feeling the aftershock of the events, the panic attack he wasn't ready to have, and especially worry his friends even more. 

"I need some fresh air. Tell me if he calls." He started getting up, feeling all the eyes on him. 

"Are you sure?" Yeonjun asked. 

"Yes. I will be fine." 

He opened the door and stepped outside, taking the steps of the stairs one by one until he was outside breathing the night air. He didn't know what happened, what went on in Beomgyu's brain to even make something like that but he thought he knew the other. He wouldn't do anything reckless like this without a good reason. 

He knew he was impulsive but he couldn't wonder what sort of topic had provoked such a reaction, such a consequence. 

He remembered he hasn't called his mother in weeks, all they had done were quick texts with his responses being dry. He blamed it on being busy but was he? Maybe subconsciously he knew if he talked with her he would collapse, letting go of his fixed mask and reveal all his ugly sides.

_ Don't break down.  _ He couldn't go back to his old habits, it would be self-destructive, especially after all the progress he had done this year, these months. 

He felt the card his teacher had given him weight in his pocket. Another thing weighing was his bus schedule home. 

He missed his mother so much. His home. 

He felt his phone vibrate and he almost fell with the text he saw light up on his screen. 

(22:54)

_ meet me on the rooftop.  _

_ don't bring taehyun or anyone.  _

_ please. _

He felt his legs moving on his own accord, climbing the stairs and running toward the rooftop. He opened the door with the spare key he and Yeonjun had hidden underneath the welcome rug at the door. And there he was. Even in the night, with the cold weather and only a silhouette being illuminated by his phone lantern. 

"Beomgyu." He breathed in. The boy turned to him and he was sure he could see the look of relief in his face even in the dark. 

The boy quickly approached him, long steps until he crashed into him, hugging him tightly and hiding his face in Soobin's neck. 

They have never displayed affection like this, so needy, and with so many emotions. He often forgot how smaller Beomgyu was next to him, but feeling him holding his middle and hiding in his frame just proved it. He hugged back almost instantaneously, not finding the right words. 

"Beomgyu." He tried again, loosening his arms but the other simply held him tightly. 

"Not yet. Please, not yet." Beomgyu's voice was raspy and deep and Soobin felt a shiver in his body but he respected the other wish, holding him close. 

They stayed like that for what it seemed like an eternity but Soobin didn't mind, he couldn't mind right now. All that mattered to him was making the other feel good, safe. He wasn’t going to worry about his problems right now, not when he needed him the most. 

Finally the other started to slacken up, bringing his hands to rub his eyes. 

"You look tired." Soobin simply added. 

"I am tired. Had a long day." Beomgyu breathed in. 

Soobin didn't know where he found energy in himself to chuckle. "Oh yeah? Mine was also incredibly long." 

"I'm sorry I worried you all. I needed time alone." 

"Is it...true?" Soobin gulped. 

Beomgyu breathed in before answering. "That I got suspended? Yeah. I don't regret it though, it was just hard." 

Soobin wanted to ask, he wanted to desperately know what had happened but right now it wasn't the time. He extended his hand, lacing it with Beomgyu's. The boy immediately seemed to relax into it, pulling Soobin down so they could sit together. The chill air didn't seem to be bothering them at all, although he could see the other shivering. Soobin took his wool jacket off and dropped it on Beomgyu's shoulders. 

"You don't have to do that." Beomgyu started. 

"After the worry you made me go by don't you even dare to refuse it." Soobin tried to joke and the other quietly nodded.

They didn't need to talk, it was never necessary with them. They simply tried to watch the stars, listened to the busy streets, and the students going around at night. 

"I'm sad we can't see the stars," Soobin confessed. "Always wanted to stargaze but the air pollution is terrible." 

"You're right. One day we will see them." Beomgyu continued. He suddenly got up, holding the jacket tightly. "Let's go." 

"Where?"

"I owe you and Taehyun some explanations." He answered, grabbing his hand and pulling him up, walking towards the dorm room. 

When he opened the door the others were still there, Yeonjun doodling something in his little notebook he carried everywhere, Kai and Taehyun laying in the bed next to each other. 

"Beomgyu," Taehyun said, immediately seeing the other and getting up, walking towards the black-haired boy. "Don't you even…" He started but his words got caught up in a hiccup. 

"I know," Beomgyu said, hugging the other before nodding to acknowledge the others. "I'm sorry that you had to be involved in something you didn't ask for because of me. I don't think we have been introduced yet. Beomgyu." He pointed at himself.

Kai seemed completely lost in the moment but Yeonjun immediately looked up, nodding. "Yeonjun." 

"Soobin's roommate. He talks way too much about you." Beomgyu joked and Yeonjun even gave him a small smile. 

"As he should." 

"Kai." The younger pointed at himself. "Also don't worry dude. I'm glad you're okay." 

Beomgyu smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, not in the way he liked so much about him. 

"I owe you all an explanation. After spending so much time looking for me." Beomgyu commenced. Soobin pulled him into his bed and sat next to him, trying to look discrete about the fact that he was rubbing his lower back. To comfort him, of course. 

"You better, I was so close to calling mother." Taehyun started and Soobin realized at that moment he didn't know about Taehyun and Beomgyu's relationship at all, which was surprising, considering he was friends with the both of them. 

"I called her. She wasn't pleased." Beomgyu breathed in deeply. "Okay so...this all started at the beginning of the year. You know, I take a lot of various classes and I usually sit in the back because well… everyone runs away from me nevertheless so I just save them the pain and do it myself. One time during this class I might've fallen asleep and woke up to an empty classroom and only the teacher and this girl were speaking at the front. What I heard disgusted me, the things he was asking for the girl…" 

Kai made a pained expression and Soobin felt his breath hitch. That was more serious than he expected. 

"I confronted her after class but she refused to tell me anything which I understood. Until yesterday… she came to me and told me what the teacher was doing to her, what he made her do for classes and grades. She needed to admit to someone and trusted me with it."

"Oh, Beomgyu… why didn't you report it to the board?" Taehyun asked, clearly seeing where this was going. "You don't need to be the hero every time." 

Beomgyu sighed. "It would be my word against a teacher, what would that serve me off? Besides I wanted to scare him to see if I could get more evidence. But it turned around I guess, he said I was threatening him which - granted it was true - but I couldn't let him do that to a girl, not after the courage she had to trust me. Unfortunately, the word turned around, I got suspended. I thought she would come to my aid but... she was scared. Can we even blame her?" 

All of them nodded. Of course, they knew this was harder to deal with than expected and they weren't even sure how to handle a situation like that. 

"You're either brave for doing it or stupid." Soobin interrupted and all of them laughed. 

"It was noble too. I hope she's okay." Yeonjun commented. 

"I went searching for her today, that's why I disappeared. Wanted to make sure she was okay. Sorry, Tae." 

Taehyun breathed in deeply. Soobin noticed his hand laced with Kai's and suppressed a smile.  _ Good for them _ . "It's okay. I mean next time at least text me but… you did well. It sucks you had to be suspended though."

"Can't you do anything about it? Try and present proof or something?" Kai asked the ever so innocent one. 

"I could but who would believe me now?" Beomgyu asked, sounding defeated. Besides, it's nothing I'm not used to, having people tell things about me that aren't true. I'd rather suffer with it than her."

"Dude one of my mothers is a lawyer." Yeonjun started. "She defends a lot of women in situations like this, if you can convince the girl to speak up I could ask my mother for help." 

"You have two moms?" Kai asked, his voice rising to a high pitch. Yeonjun raised his eyebrows. 

"Got a problem with that?" Yeonjun asked back. 

Kai promptly shook his head. "Nope, none at all. I'm gay too." 

"Then why did you ask like that? You scared me!" Yeonjun bickered and soon the room was full of noise, all of them in heated arguments about something that Soobin had completely blanked out. Beomgyu had his head resting on Soobin's shoulders, his whole body leaning into the touch while he interacted with the others. His heart was beating fast and Soobin realized the other had to feel it. His crush was out of control….if he could call it a crush anymore. 

Later that night, when they finally returned to their doors Soobin felt completely exhausted, mentally mainly. He felt good seeing Beomgyu, felt warm knowing how good he was to help the others but the weight of the day's events fell onto him. He suddenly hiccuped and could sense the tears in his eyes. 

Yeonjun seemed to notice them too. "Soob…" He started, taking a step to hug him. Soobin just let him, let Yeonjun hold him as he cried, remembered what his teacher had told him, all the disappointments in his life falling into his shoulders. "What's happening with you?" 

"I'm so tired." He simply said, in the middle of tears. It was partially true, even if sugar-coated. 

Yeonjun just brought him to bed, laying next to him and hugging him. It would have felt weird in another situation but this was his best friend. And God knows how much he needed the contact. 

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


It only got worse from thereon. 

As soon as he noticed, Christmas break was coming close and he was feeling heartbroken, to begin with. 

He got caught up in most of his classes, not doing horrible but so distracted and out of himself these days that he was afraid a casual slip and he would fail most of his classes. 

The hangouts also somehow stopped. He still saw Yeonjun every day, granted they shared a room, but that was most of the social interactions he got. He couldn't commit to Kai's antics, constantly clearing the other boy in favor of being tired. He didn't want to study with Taehyun anymore, he didn't even have the patience to study anyways. And Beomgyu…

That was a complicated story. He talked with him granted, but their relationship started to feel too cordial even for him. It wasn't a sudden change, more of a progression of events - likely caused by Soobin himself - that led to their text messages starting from being every day at every hour to days apart from each other, from sharing music and funny videos to barely even keeping up with each other classes and everyday affairs... 

And Soobin, he couldn't even blame the others. They seemed to be trying, all he could do was accuse himself off once again thinking that he was better off on his own, spending most of his days laying in bed and staring at the ceiling, thinking and rethinking all the things that he could've done better, be better. 

He missed his mother. He barely talked with her, didn't want her to see him in his state, falling into the deep again. He didn't want to show his weakness, God knows what she had to deal with before.

To sum it up he kept sabotaging himself by being alone and refraining from interactions. He stood there existing, waiting for some miracle that could make him disappear. 

"You're going home for Christmas break?" Yeonjun asked once he arrived from dance practice. Always so patient Yeonjun, sticking around for him, helping him. He imagined things would've gone way worse if he didn't have the other worried about it and that, even though should make him feel better, it only worsens his state. 

_ I'm a burden to him. Will always be.  _

"Yeah. Missing my mom." 

Yeonjun hummed. He was packing his clothes, and by packing it meant shoving clothes inside a suitcase without folding them. "Then take this but only open it on Christmas day." 

He extended him a small package, neatly wrapped up. 

"A gift? But I didn't get you anything…" Soobin started panicking. He didn't even remember that gifts were exchanged during this time around. 

"And you don't need to. Just take it Binnie okay?" Yeonjun sat next to him, packing the gift into Soobin's backpack. He felt like crying. 

"I'm sorry." Soobin started, gulping. 

"No need to apologize. And no need to explain. I know." Yeonjun finished, a comforting hand resting on his shoulder and another holding his hand. 

Soobin went forward and hugged the other boy, trying to showcase his emotions, his gratitude. The other hugged tightly.

"Next year I hope to see you brightly!" Yeonjun continued. "And don't hesitate to talk with me if you need it during the break."

Soobin nodded, picking his backpack up and ready to leave for the bus. "I will. Merry Christmas Jun." 

"Merry Christmas Binnie." Yeonjun finished but before he could leave the room he heard the other call him. "Before you go! Beomgyu wants to see you, he said he was going to wait by the bakery outside campus?" 

Soobin felt his throat dry. Yeonjun and Beomgyu became slightly more close during the month that he spent sulking in his bed, regretting his existence. He didn't even think the other wanted to see him again, considering how he practically ghosted him. 

His footsteps started to become hurried once he left, waiting to reach the spot quickly. He tightened his jacket because of the cold but he realized, as soon as he walked outside, that it was snowing and there wasn't much he could do to avoid it. 

Spotting Beomgyu was easy, he stood there by the bakery, holding a bag from inside, his hair covered by a black beanie, dark jeans, his combat boots he has been wearing all winter and… he was wearing Soobin's wool jacket, the same one he had borrowed the other the night he disappeared and never got it back. His heart tightened. How could he have ruined this? 

"Hey." He breathed, approaching the other. Beomgyu turned around and Soobin noticed his red cheeks from the cold. 

His face seemed hurt but the breath of relief he spurted out when he saw him was enough to leave Soobin breathless. He missed him. 

"Soobin. I honestly didn't think you would come." 

He couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, I'm sorry."

"How have you been doing?" Beomgyu asked, careful. He was acting tentatively around him, he could sense it. 

"I don't know." Soobin tried but it didn't feel honest. After all, he thought he deserved some honesty. "Bad. Genuinely, it's been... rough." 

Beomgyu nodded and looked down. 

Soobin continued. "I don't think this is enough but I'm sorry. For being a burden." 

"You aren't. I mean sure, I can't deny I'm hurt by your distance but… I won't judge it. I don't know what has been going on." 

"If I'm being honest with myself I don't know what is going on either." Soobin tried. "I hope the Christmas break helps me." 

Beomgyu finally lifted his head and bit his lip. Soobin followed the movement with his eyes, not seem strong enough to not look. 

"Will you…" Beomgyu started, breathing deeply. "Will you call me? We can still talk even if we haven't in a while. Properly I mean." 

Soobin was so relieved to hear those words. The other boy wasn't mad at him, he wasn't disappointed, he just wanted to keep talking with him. 

A warm feeling spread through his body and suddenly Soobin didn't feel cold anymore, despite the snow and humidity around them. 

"Yes. Of course." Soobin smiled.

"Good. I will let you go now but here are some cupcakes for the trip." Beomgyu said, extending the bag into his chest. Soobin barely had words to express his emotions, taking the bag and holding it tightly. 

"Thank you. Merry Christmas Beomgyu." 

Beomgyu stepped close, getting on his tiptoes and giving Soobin a cheek kiss as much as their layers allowed them to do. Soobin felt his face immediately get even redder and the blush in Beomgyu's features was no longer from the cold. 

"Merry Christmas Soobin." The other said, a slight curve to his smile as he stepped away in the opposite direction Soobin was going. 

He spent the whole trip home in the bus thinking about the gesture, thinking about how Beomgyu had to tiptoe to reach his cheek, how he had gotten him sweets, how he wasn't mad…all the possibilities, all the doubts, and worries, not disappearing but slowly heaving less, hurting less. 

He couldn't contain his grin even when he reached home to his mother. 

“Someone looks excited!” His mom immediately ran to hug him when he stepped inside the house. He opened his arms to receive the affection, hanging on it, for a few seconds forgetting everything that had happened and letting the feeling linger.

“Happy to be home.” Soobin simply said, sensing the smell of fresh-baked cookies. “Are you making cookies?”

“They’re for my book club but we can make some if you want.” She teased him, before letting him get to the plate where the food laid. 

He pouted but accepted it, it was tastier when they both worked on something together. Chilling on the couch, watching a movie after all the baking was one of Soobin’s best memories when it came to spending time with his mother. 

And that’s exactly what they did. Although he’s been gone for some months and barely talked with his mother more than a few phone calls, everything seemed to adjust into the routine he so much appreciated. He settled his bag in his room, which to his surprise, still felt the same, and rushed to help his mother. They managed to get groceries, pack the cookies for his mother’s book club, and bake cookies. 

Now they sat on the couch waiting for the cookies to cool down while eating dinner. As usual, the house felt like a real-life fridge but they had their blankets and were snuggled together watching  _ dirty dancing _ , one of his mother’s favorite movies. 

“So baby...how are things going?” His mother asked.

He shrugged, focusing on the screen. “Fine.”

“You know call it whatever you want, maybe it is a six sense but I think that fine holds a lot more meaning.”

It was no surprise she knew this. The whole reason Soobin avoided long conversations with his mother was to avoid this so-called six sense she had over him. 

“I don’t know how to explain but… I always shove things inside and I guess it started feeling too much recently.” He tried to come up with an explanation that didn’t hurt much but he knew it was harder than it seemed. 

His mother nodded. “Sometimes I wish…” He continued, trying to take deep breaths. “I wish my brain wasn’t this complicated. I’m tired all the time.” 

“If it’s too much you know you can come back home. I won’t stop you.”

“I don’t want to disappoint you.” He blurted. That was his biggest fear, the thing that usually kept him from going forward even when it was hard.

“You can never disappoint me, baby.” She said tenderly, putting her arm around his shoulders and pulling him close to her. He felt immediately so small, so protected in his mother's arms. “You’re the prettiest flower in my garden.”

The sentence felt like an awakening. His favorite childhood story was the one where his father courted his girlfriend at the time with that sentence, convinced he had found his soulmate. And he had, his mom redirected that quote to Soobin when she knew he needed grounding when he had to remember his worth the same way his dad had let his mother know hers. 

“I think it’s better now… it comes and goes you know?” He continued. “At least I don’t feel lonely anymore, not like I used to.” And that he had meant it. On the bus ride home, he received a weird Snapchat video from Yeonjun that featured his mom’s bickering, a text from Taehyun wishing him to have a good break, and a simple sticker from Kai with a penguin dressed in Christmas attire. For the first time in a long time, he felt like his friends cared for him, even if he hadn’t been a great company recently.

“That’s great to hear. Is this about your roommate?”

“Yeah but not only. I made some friends I think.” 

“I’m so proud of you baby.” She said, hugging him tightly. They ate their cookies after that in silence but it’s the type of comforting one, the one Soobin enjoyed. By the time the movie had finished, his mother had fallen asleep on the couch and he had covered her with another blanket before moving into the bedroom and getting ready to sleep.

He picked his phone after tucking himself in the mess of blankets in his bed and opened the messages app on his phone. 

(22:45)

**those cupcakes were really good**

**how did you know the red velvet one was my favorite?**

(22:47)

_ you’re predictable. _

(22:48)

**OUCH**

(22:48)

_ or maybe i know you better than you think _

(22:49)

**i like that version better**

(22:51)

_ got safe home? _

(22:52)

**yes.**

**finally in my bed aha a**

**what about you**

(22:53)

_ im actually looking at the stars right now _

_ they're so bright at my parents house compared to our dorms _

(22:54)

**you promised me we would see them one day**

(22:55)

_ i did didn't i? _

_ i always keep my promises so we definitely should  _

_ have u ever heard of the ursa major and minor constellations  _

(22:56)

**_do you think im that uncultured?_ **

**_ofc i have_ **

(22:57)

_ ah ah sorry sorry  _

_ those r my favorite bc i like their myths on how they got there  _

_ you know zeus getting smitten - yet again - by a nymph, hera got jealous and turned her into a bear _

(22:57)

**_might add that doesn't surprise me at all_ **

(22:58)

_ me neither  _

_ in her bear form she encounters her son _

_ who almost shot the bear without knowing it was his mother  _

_ zeus didn't let that happened, turned him into a bear and placed them in the sky  _

(22:59)

**_zeus is horrible_ **

**_remind me again why ancient greeks worshiped him as the king of gods?_ **

(23:00)

_ ahahah no idea _

_but i do like bears so the idea of being immortalized as a bear speaks to_ _me_

(23:01)

**that's cute**

**that you like bears**

(23:02)

_ you think so?  _

_ i think you're cute too  _

(23:04) 

**for what…**

(23:05)

_ listening to me. _

_ goodnight soobin  _

(23:06)

**good night beomgyu.**

**speak with you tomorrow?**

(23:07)

_ please _

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"Soobin!" He heard his mother call him from the kitchen but he was so focused on what he was doing, he kind of snapped out of it. 

"Wasn't that your mother calling you?" Yeonjun asked through the screen. The other had suggested they skyped so they could play a game together but they ended up just making random bucket lists for the new year. 

"Uh?" Soobin lifted his head, looking around. "How did you even hear that?"

"Man you're so focused! What are you writing in your bucket list that's so attention-worthy?" 

Soobin blushed. "Aren't bucket lists supposed to be serious? I'm taking this seriously!" 

"I just wrote no more romance on mine, maybe I should change that." Yeonjun scratched his chin, thinking deeply. 

"Take a chastity vote that should fix your problem." Soobin joked and he felt Yeonjun's stare on him from the computer screen. 

"I hate you." 

"No, you don't." 

"Yes, I do! I should…"

Suddenly Soobin heard the door from his room open and his mom peaking in. "Baby, can you help me with the groceries?" 

Soobin nodded. "Of course, I was just talking with Yeonjun. You know, my roommate." He decided to introduce him, considering how much time he spent with the boy it was only fair his mother knew him. 

They said their goodbyes and he quickly rushed to help his mother unload what he imagined was their groceries for the Christmas dinner. 

"Oh my God mom are you feeding a whole farm or something? Who's going to eat so much?" He pointed out, unloading the car truck as he spoke. 

"Don't be dramatic!" She teased him. "I'm sure we can feast too even if it's just the two of us." 

Soobin mumbled a less convinced  _ sure _ . 

"So...Your friend Yeonjun. You guys are close right?" She started as they began putting away all the food. 

"Yeah? I guess." Soobin answered simply. 

"You're always talking with him and all…" 

"I talk with other people." He deadpanned. 

She hummed. "I'm just saying people make a lot of connections in college and...new relationships." 

Soobin immediately dropped the jar of pickles he was holding, catching it right after and preventing it from breaking. He also felt his cheeks heat up. 

"What?!" He asked, a slight pitch to his voice. 

"I'm just saying!" She said, lifting her hands in a sign of defeat before getting the jar off his (clumsy) hands. "If you ever find a girlfriend or a  _ boyfriend _ , I would love to meet them." 

The only audible sound in the room now was from the old radio tuning in the background but Soobin could hear his heartbeat so loud and threatening to leave his chest. 

He couldn't believe his mother was suggesting something like that and especially considering how scared he has been his whole life of someone associating him with having a boyfriend. 

To have his mother be so open about it, so easy with the whole situation. He panicked and answered the only way he could:

"I have to go to the bathroom." 

And ran, closing the door and sitting on the ground. He started breathing deeply but this time not angry, instead he got taken by surprise on the easiness of it all. 

_ Was it that easy?  _

He typed Yeonjun's number quickly on his phone and waited for two beats until the other one answered. 

" _ Missing me this much Soobin?"  _

"I think my mom just implied she knows I'm gay." He said quickly, probably eating most of the words. 

He heard Yeonjun chuckle in the line. " _ Was it a bad reaction? _

"No…" He got up, pacing around. "I just panicked and closed myself in the bathroom." 

" _ Why am I not surprised? _ " Yeonjun mocked. " _ Let's start easy. Take a deep breath. _ "

He did as told. He enjoyed how Yeonjun had learned his habits by now. "And now?"

" _ You know you don't have to come out just because your mother implied something. Take it easy, your own pace. _ "

"My own pace… okay. Okay, I can do that." 

" _ Yeah, you can! _ " He said enthusiastically. " _ Now if you excuse me, I have a gingerbread house to destroy. _ "

"You're a demon. Thank you." 

Soobin took one last look in the mirror and smiled to himself. He was okay, he was going to be just fine. Just keep walking, his speed. 

That thought of controlling his destiny was insanely peaceful to him. The comfort in knowing he was the one that could have a saying in it spreading through his body. 

"Are you okay?" His mother asked as soon as he stepped out. 

"All fine. So… where do we start cooking?" 

They got busy right after that, preparing their Christmas dinner. It was a ritual with their variations of traditional food and it felt like - what routines felt to Soobin - home. 

There was always enough food to feed more than just themselves and for the rest of the break, he knew he was going to be eating leftovers. But it didn't matter, because all that food had been crafted with so much love and that mattered the most to him.

It took them too long cooking, the heat in the kitchen warming up their very cold house, the old radio turned on a station that only played Christmas tunes, and the dim lights from the candles lightening up in the table, illuminating the tiny dining room. 

It was cozy. 

_ Home.  _

"I saw that you wrapped a huge gift there with my name in it. I sure hope you didn't spend all your money on it." His mother pointed out during dinner. 

Soobin just laughed. "Inpatient aren't we?" 

"We can open after dinner." She finished, trying hard not to show her enthusiasm over unfolding gifts. 

And so they did. They only had to buy gifts for themselves but always pulled the most effort into giving the best one. His mother had gotten him more of his favorite crystals,  _ to take to university,  _ and a collector book that probably cost a fortune. 

They finished opening the gifts and making a mess, cleaning the wraps immediately, and just taking their time to enjoy a random old movie playing on the TV. 

"Oh!" His mother suddenly said, getting up. "This came in the mail for you the other day but it says it's only supposed to be open during Christmas gifts…." 

Soobin grabbed the brown envelope and immediately saw the name on the back, surrounded by a bear sticker. 

_ Beomgyu.  _

He opened it quickly, trying not to let his mother see how agitated he was about it. It was a simple postcard: dark blue with some stars and it read  _ let it shine.  _ He read what was written inside, next to a huge doodle of a bear with the caption  _ i don't know how to draw aha. _

_ Merry Christmas Binnie.  _

_ I'm not creative with christmas gifts but I hope my words seem enough to remind you that you're one of the best things that happened to me today and I'm insanely grateful for that.  _

_ I know you've been off and distant but I just wanted to let you know I know how hard sometimes it is to open up and that I know how the burden sometimes is heavier than what people see but let me help you carry it?  _

_ Love,  _

_ Beomgyu.  _

And next to the name was a small heart. Soobin felt his cheeks heat up and an involuntary smile broke through his expression. His heartbeat accelerated and he had to place a hand in his chest to feel it. 

"Good gift?" His mother asked and he suddenly remembered he wasn't alone in the room.

He chuckled. "Great gift. A friend from University." 

_ A friend…  _ his mother muttered but Soobin was too distracted to think about it. He reached for his phone immediately. 

(00:31)

**merry christmas gyu**

**thank you.** __

  
  
  


(00:59)

_ no need to thank me.  _

_ i hope you liked it. <3 _

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"Dude, it's freezing outside how are you only wearing that?" Was the first thing Yeonjun commented when he saw Taehyun and Kai entering the coffee shop. 

"That's the first thing you notice?" Soobin stated, pointing at their joint hands. Kai promptly blushed but Taehyun was unaffected by it, sitting in front of them without letting go of the other's hand. 

"You sure have a lot to talk about right Soobin?" Taehyun teased him and Soobin immediately went back to munching on the cheesecake piece he was eating. All of them looked at each other knowingly. "But for your information… Me and Kai are dating."

Soobin beamed to both of them, ruffling Kai's hair. 

"I'm happy for you." Yeonjun started. "But keep the disgusting lovey-dovey stuff away from me." 

"I just arrived and Yeonjun is already giving the virgin talk?" They heard a voice approach them and pull the chair from the table on the side to sit next to them. Beomgyu always had weird ways to sit in chairs, in typical mischievous ways, sitting with his chest to the back of the chair.

Today he was wearing his typical black attire, combat boots, and a lot of chains dangling from his dark jeans. And of course, he pushed the chair right next to Soobin, as close as possible as he could. 

"How dare you call me a virgin," Yeonjun said slightly louder, attracting the attention of a lot of people around who proceed to send them disapproving looks. They all laughed at that.

"Good eyes grace you, where have you been?" Taehyun asked, faking annoyance. 

"I've been around," Beomgyu answered, mysterious as ever but a slight smirk on his lips. He turned to Soobin as the conversation shifted towards Yeonjun and Kai's dance showcase. "How are you?" He asked, hand traveling to Soobin’s arm. He felt an immediate spark. 

"Fine. You?" Beomgyu laughed at his answer. "What?" He whined. 

"You're so cute it's unbelievable." He answered, the blush spreading on Soobin's cheeks instantly. "Let's go, I have somewhere to go." 

Soobin quirked an eyebrow. "Everyone?" 

"No." Beomgyu grinned, gesturing at his coat. "Only you." 

As soon as they stepped into the cold winter day, Soobin felt himself shivering, even if he had made sure to put on cozy clothes.

"Are you cold?" Beomgyu asked. 

"Just a little bit. I'm sure as soon as we start walking I will heat up." He confessed. He felt the other lace their arms together, and even if Beomgyu didn't have the height advantage a Soobin did, he felt comforted and protected from the gesture. 

"There, more warmth for you." Beomgyu finished, leading them into the chilly and snowy day. 

"Where are we going?" 

Beomgyu laughed, a delicate melodious sound. "Impatient are we?" 

"Not a fan of surprises." 

"You're right, I forgot about that." Beomgyu continued, adjusting his dark beanie. "Just going to my dorm." 

Soobin breathed out. He could do that, he wasn't going to overthink a simple hang out with his friend. His friend who he sees himself like a lot at a rapid scary speed. 

They quickly passed by the people hanging out at the dorm building, celebrating the new year and the beginning of a new semester. For Soobin it meant more assignments, more classes, more stress. But it meant equally seeing Beomgyu more often, catching glimpses of him and his outfits, hangouts. The possibilities were truly endless. 

Beomgyu opened the door to his dorm soon and Soobin noticed how neat both his and Taehyun's bed always looked in contrast to his and Yeonjun's room. 

"Look what I got this Christmas!" Beomgyu started excitedly. Soobin always got so fond when the other was comfortable enough to act all goofy and cute around him instead of keeping his camouflage. 

He noticed the other holding a  _ Nintendo Switch _ in his hand and smiled immediately. 

"Did you get animal crossing?" Soobin asked and the other chuckle, nodding and taking the game out of his desk to show. 

"Of course!" Beomgyu started, taking his jacket out and pushing Soobin into the bed, sitting next to him. "I thought we could play together since you mentioned you liked this game." 

Soobin noticed that the other looked shy and it that was enough to get a reaction out of him, feeling proud of having this effect on someone like Beomgyu. 

"That's great, okay let's play! Have you started already?"

Beomgyu blushed. "No… I don't even know how to play this." 

"Oh my God, you're unbelievable!" Soobin exclaimed, taking the console of the other's hand and setting up the game. "You should start by naming your island."

Beomgyu chuckled. "I already have a name planned and I think you're going to like it." He said, patting on Soobin's shoulder. They locked eyes with each other, Soobin realizing how close they were in Beomgyu's tiny dorm bed. 

"W-What is it?" Soobin stuttered, cursing himself for being so predictable. 

"Mount Olympus." 

"You're ridiculous." Soobin laughed, turning his head for the game again as Beomgyu laughed loudly and rested his head on Soobin's shoulders. 

"You like it." 

Soobin didn't answer but the back of his mind kept playing the same  _ I like it a lot _ . 

They played the whole afternoon, Soobin teaching Beomgyu the basics while the other teased him for knowing so much about a game he didn't even own. He lectured back, saying he watched a lot of gameplays online to which Beomgyu started cooing, calling him cute. 

At some point, they ended up so curled up against each other, with Beomgyu's legs on top of Soobin's and a cozy blanket around them that they almost didn't apprehend when Taehyun walked into the room and threw them a questioning look. 

Beomgyu just shrugged, too busy on his villager hunting quest to find Apollo (his favorite villager) but Soobin felt himself get hot again, Taehyun's judging look on him. 

"You guys seem to be having fun." He teased them while unpacking his suitcase. 

"Soobin has been teaching me how to play animal crossing," Beomgyu admitted. 

"Sounds like a fun date." Taehyun finished, winking at the tallest. Soobin immediately started coughing, feeling his heart beat out of his chest. If Beomgyu noticed, he didn't say anything, in fact, it only propelled the boy further into Soobin's embrace as he maneuvered himself on the island. 

Soobin grabbed his phone and texted Taehyun quickly. 

(18:45)

**you're so dead to me.** __

Taehyun giggled on the other side of the room, not once diverting his look from his phone before answering. 

tyunnie ☆ (18:46)

i have you on tape. 

im not an idiot like our friends. 

this is payback for all the kai teasing. 

"Are you hungry? We didn't eat all afternoon." Beomgyu asked, lifting his stare and looking at Soobin. His head was almost resting in Soobin's chest, there was no way he couldn't notice how nervous he made the other.

Despite that, he simply shrugged and said. "I'm okay here." 

Before his brain could process what he did, his hand gained a life of his own and combed Beomgyu's (soft) hair, tucking it behind his ears. 

Beomgyu closed his eyes in delight, probably an involuntary reaction too judging by his reddened cheeks. He nuzzled into his chest again and mumbled something Soobin couldn't quite catch.

"What was it?" Soobin whispered, afraid Taehyun could hear them and use it to tease him endlessly again. 

"Do it again," Beomgyu mumbled. "I liked it." 

And so they spend the rest of their day there before getting up to dinner and gathering with the guys once again, joining the loud fest that has become their evening meeting. Beomgyu always acted shyer in public rather than when they were together (either alone or with a group) and Soobin understood that this was his way of feeling comfortable in the world. 

One thing that didn't change in either of those situations was how Beomgyu was always sitting close to him, seeking proximity even when he initially didn't get it. 

And Soobin was starting to explore it too. Clinging onto the boy more often, in crowds searching for his hand, eating near each other. 

He didn't know when he became so dependant on someone in his daily life, didn't know how to react to this gradual shift in his needs. 

It scared him deeply but it was also exhilarating, made his heartbeat wild but not necessarily in a bad way as he so often associated it to be. It was more of a way to feel alive, something he hasn't felt in so long or rather didn't remember feeling like that. 

The realization didn't take long to come. 

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"I have feelings for Beomgyu."

Yeonjun, who has just entered their dorm room carrying what it looked like months worth of laundry, lifted his eyebrows and said:

"Well...duh." 

Soobin got up immediately, helping the other boy organize his clothes since he knew his best friend wouldn't do it quick judging by the pile he carried. 

"What do you mean  _ well duh _ ?" He asked, incredulous. "Aren't you surprised?"

"Do you…" Yeonjun started carefully. "Want me to be surprised?" 

"Yes!" Soobin continued, feeling exasperated. "It's a huge realization!"

Yeonjun threw a pile of T-shirts into the bed that Soobin immediately picked before continuing. "You're telling me… you only discerned that now?" 

February was coming at full force at them, the snow and cold of January seemingly not going away but giving space to another month to take over. Soobin was busy with the beginning of classes but now he had a better grasp of what to expect, having survived a whole semester already. Which gave him time to think and reconsider thoughts he had been shoving into the back of his head - following advice from someone as unlikely as Kai, who told him the best way to fight his overthinking was to schedule thinking times. Surprisingly it has been working. 

Which led him to this exact realization.

"Yes!"

"Soobin as your best friend I am more than entitled to say this: you're an idiot." 

"Hey!" Soobin yelled. "What have I done?" 

"Are you seriously telling me you haven't realized that before?" 

Soobin was so astounded with the other tone that couldn't help the slight exasperation on his own. "Yes! I just thought about it now." 

"You're a lost cause." Yeonjun finished, throwing the rest of the clothes into his wardrobe without folding them correctly. 

"Yeonjunnie," Soobin whined, grabbing Yeonjun's arms and pushing him into the bed, sitting next to him. "What should I do?" 

"Are you seriously asking me? For love advice?" Yeonjun mocked. 

"Wow!" Soobin threw his hands in the air. "Who said love?" 

Yeonjun sighed and started to get up but Soobin found an unexpected source of strength and forced him down. 

"Please help me. Who else am I supposed to ask? Taehyun is going to haunt me forever and it was honestly luck that Kai managed to get a boyfriend." Soobin continued, trying to prove his point. Yeonjun groaned and answered. 

"I don't know what you should do. Confess?" 

"That's out of the question," Soobin said immediately, not even waiting to think about how much of a disaster that would've been. 

"Are you going to be pinning forever?" Yeonjun joked but Soobin thought seriously about it. 

"Sounds like a plan I would formulate, yes." 

"Look…" Yeonjun started, seemingly thinking hard about it. "I'm going to say something that's going to sound harsh but are you sure you're even ready for it? You're not even out yet." 

Soobin threw him a surprised look. "Are you implying I can't date in the closet?" 

"No!" Yeonjun immediately backtracked. He stayed silent for a bit, probably calculating the right words to use. "I mean it's harder. And I know you tend to overthink." 

Soobin sighed. He wanted to be mad at his best friend but he knew he was right. He knew he would end up overthinking a situation as complex as this one.

"Remember what I told you on Christmas? Baby steps." Yeonjun finished, giving him a tight hug. "I'm proud of you nonetheless." 

_ Baby steps,  _ he thought. 

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"Are you okay?" Kai asked, a few weeks later when they were having lunch at a cat cafe he had found. 

He and Kai bonded immediately after meeting and every time they caught a free time, they would get together to get lunch in some new hip cafe or restaurant that the younger had found. It was an easy agreement, just the two of them. 

He felt at ease with Kai, knew the boy was like a little puppy following him (or maybe he was the puppy following Kai, it was hard to grasp) and he made him feel relieved. 

"I have to tell you something." He started, nervously fumbling with his napkin, his food untouched. 

"Okay," Kai said, always so kind. 

He took a deep breath before spilling the words that had been stuck in his throat. 

"I'm gay." 

Kai lifted his eyebrows for a fraction of a second before smiling. 

"Oh. Great!" Kai said enthusiastically. "Me too. Wait, that's obvious." 

Soobin let out a nervous laugh, he knew he could be at ease with Kai. "You're like the second person I have ever come out to so… needless to say I was nervous." 

It took a second for the other to process his words before answering. "Wait! Second? Holy… wait that makes me feel so special." 

"Yeah, I'm still getting comfortable with saying it out loud." 

"Well, I'm glad you trusted me. I'm proud of you." Kai smiled again and Soobin felt his heart twist at that. 

_ Baby steps.  _

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"I am pretty sure  _ Demons _ hates me, there's no way she keeps calling my name in class for no reason," Taehyun confessed an afternoon where they were resting outside in the university garden. 

"You call our semantics teacher  _ Demons _ ?" Soobin could laugh at the absurdity of that nickname. 

"If I say her name I might summon her, I'd rather not risk it," Taehyun admitted, laying on the grass and spreading himself like a starfish. Soobin grinned at the position and let the sun hit his face, enjoying the cold day but happy for the way at least the sun was bright.

"Taehyun, if I tell you something personal will you promise not to make a big deal out of it?" He said on a whim, about something he has been thinking about for weeks now. 

"Go ahead." 

"I'm gay." 

Taehyun sat up and looked at him, possibly doing the very Taehyun analyzing thing before answering sincerely. 

"I'm glad you told me." He said, putting his hand on Soobin's shoulders. "Are you okay?" 

"Just feels like a heavy lifting from my shoulders although I supposed you out of everyone already suspected." 

Taehyun laughed. "You could say that yes. But it's good knowing you trust me enough for it."

"It's just hard letting it out for more people. Scary." 

"It's scary out there for us isn't it?" Taehyun asked but it sounded more like a wonder than a question. "Good thing we have each other then." 

Soobin smiled at Taehyun. "You're right." 

They stayed outside for a little while more as they waited for the next class, perks of being in the same major were that they spent a lot of time together in University and were never alone too. 

"Hey, Soob," Taehyun called when they were getting up. Soobin turned himself to look at the other. "You can trust Beomgyu with this too." 

Soobin gulped. There was no way the other hadn't figured out his feelings for Beomgyu, especially considering how good Taehyun was at perceiving things. 

"Baby steps," Soobin answered, before walking to class. 

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


As the middle of march approached them Soobin found himself not being as sensitive in classes as he originally expected to be. 

He also found himself at peace more with himself and his surroundings. He no longer felt trapped inside of his brain - most of the time at least - with finally having someone to confess what he felt and let it all out. He thought in a way, he and Yeonjun found each other at the right time for their lives, trusting each other with pretty much everything nowadays. 

It also counted the fact that every time he needed some sort of distraction he could go to Kai and Taehyun and know both of them were going to be there for him. 

There was also the elephant in the room that his brain called Beomgyu. In a way, he has started calling the other  _ his beomgyu  _ in his brain and it has been destructive, to say the least in his everyday life and routines. 

He would find himself wondering what the other was doing, how he was doing, and if they found each other apart from each other for a long time they would naturally gravitate towards one another. From meals together, to study sessions, to nights spent texting or calling each other Soobin felt like he spent most of the time surrounded by the other. 

And yet he still didn't think he knew the other as he wanted to. There was so much missing and so much intriguing him from the other: why he kept giving looks to people from their university when they were outside, why his public persona was so different from what he saw, why he sometimes shuts himself off, what's the reason for his frowns, for his downtimes. 

Soobin usually felt connected to people once he broke those barriers and he knew from personal experience how hard it was to open up to somebody. 

Knew from practice how he hasn't done that to the other yet too so it seemed a bit unfair of him to be disappointed that Beomgyu hasn't shared those things with him. 

"I can almost hear all the wires in your brain burning." Beomgyu joked. They were sitting on the rooftop of their dorm building the sunset in front of them, giving the sky the most beautiful pinks he has ever seen since the beginning of the year. It was still very cold but Soobin took pride in watching Beomgyu with his jacket, the same one the dark hair guy hasn't given him back. 

"You're still wearing my jacket," Soobin said, shuffling closer to the other in their makeshift blanket that laid in the ground. 

"I guess I am." Beomgyu teased, a smirk on his face. "Why, does it look bad?"

Soobin blushed. "No, of course not. Nothing looks bad on you."

"Well thank you." Beomgyu giggled. 

"I was just thinking about things." 

Beomgyu hummed, signing for the other to look at him. Soobin did and he felt his long stare on him. "What's troubling that brain of yours?" Beomgyu pretended to knock in Soobin's head, one that earned a small laugh from him. 

"I'm not sure…"

"Remember what we promised?" Beomgyu started. "No more shutting each other off." He smiled so gently that Soobin couldn't have any other doubt. 

"I have something to tell you." He started, the other nodding at his words. "I've told the others already and I feel bad for leaving you to the end." 

"Hey, that's okay! Whenever you feel comfortable, I'm not here to judge you." 

Soobin's heart clenched. He was so kind to him. 

"Let me start from the beginning. I told you my dad passed away when I was younger and I didn't deal well with the situation." 

Beomgyu nodded, not speaking but still urging him to continue. Soobin felt grateful, this was already hard enough. 

"I fell into a bad depression, I couldn't eat, could barely walk or talk and my mom was genuinely afraid I wasn't going to recover. Looking back I always felt horrible that I let my mom, who was suffering from losing her husband, have to deal with me too in that state…"

"You couldn't have control of that, it's not like you chose it," Beomgyu added. 

"You're right and I know that but still lingers in the back of my head. I took two years of high school because of that and when I came back I was the weird kid who disappeared that nobody knew the story behind." Soobin took a deep breath before continuing. "I lost a lot of things at the time, including some of my ability to connect with people and other social skills while gaining some other bad habits like overthinking." 

Beomgyu nodded. "I know how people can be mean when they don't know you. I'm sorry that happened to you, are you better now?" 

"I am definitely. It's a long journey to recovery but you do it slowly you know? Some days are better than others." 

He felt Beomgyu's hand rest on top of his own on the floor and warmth immediately invaded his cheeks. 

He was curious still and because he felt like it was the moment to ask so, he did. "Not to sound like I'm stepping a line but when you said you know how people can be mean…"

Beomgyu laughed at that, a gentle one which indicated hopefully that he wasn't mad at all. "You're not stepping any line. I'm sure you have heard the infamous rumor that still haunts me to this day about how I was in juvenile?"

Soobin nodded and recalled back to his first days in school where Yeonjun had told him about it. 

"I don't know where that came from because yes I was in an institution of sorts but it wasn't juvenile, it was an orphanage." 

Soobin felt his mouth open but immediately closed it. He let the other resume but he did feel the other hold onto his hand now, seeking comfort. 

"I think people twisted it and it « labeled me. Whenever I go I'm just the kid people are afraid of… I have to admit maybe I've had my fair share of fights and confrontations and my record might not be clean but when you grew up like I did you stand up on your own ground a lot and it shapes who you are." 

Soobin nodded. "So where do you know Taehyun from?" 

Beomgyu smiled immediately. "I went on a foster parent program after a while because I was tired of living like I was and got lucky I met Taehyun's parents. They're like family to me now, when I talk about my parents I mean them." 

"That's so good, I'm glad. I can't imagine what you've been through." He held his hand and shifted closer looking for more contact. 

"And I can't imagine what you've been through. Everyone goes by different things, at the end of the day the most important is how we recover and heal from those." Beomgyu finished, dropping his head on Soobin's shoulders. 

As they watched the sunset another million sensations passed by Soobin's body, feelings igniting inside of him and threatening to break out, explode. 

But he contained them, stored them for later when he had time to understand what all these emotions towards Beomgyu meant, what they could transform into. 

Despite it, he realized he never ended up telling him what has been eating him inside the past months. 

"That was not what I wanted to tell you though...the conversation kind of took another turn." Soobin shyly admitted, trying to shift his position without disturbing the other. 

Beomgyu positions their laced hands on Soobin's lap as he played with his fingers before asking him to go on. 

"I'm gay." 

Beomgyu didn't move, didn't find it atrocious, and didn't look surprised either. He was now using both hands to play with Soobin's, caressing them along the way. 

"Me too." The other simply answered as the sky turned dark around them and nighttime arrived. 

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"We have a situation!" Soobin yelled as soon as he opened the dorm room. Yeonjun, who was laid on the floor looked up, confused, but didn't make any effort to get up. "What are you doing on the floor?" 

"Having an existential crisis about my future. What's the reason for yours?" 

"Do…you want to talk about it?" Soobin asked carefully. He knew the other preferred to think through his problems before letting them out. 

"No, I need to be distracted." He finally sat (still on the floor) and turned towards Soobin. "So what's up bro."

"Don't call me bro. And we have an emergency!" Soobin started, pulling his phone out and unlocking it to show the message he has been staring at for the past hour in class. 

(11:56)

_ let's go to the movies tomorrow.  _

_ i pay for it and for dinner.  _

_ dress nicely :) _

Yeonjun scanned it and laughed, not even making an effort to hide it. "What seems to be the problem?" 

"Is he asking me out on a date?" Soobin said, his voice higher by the second. 

"It's hard to understand when it comes to Beomgyu, he's a hard nut to crack."

Soobin sighed. "Tell me about it. I feel like at this point I will never make a move because I am… well me. But also can't figure out if he's making one." 

"Still...he said to dress nice didn't he?" Yeonjun asked, a dangerous smirk to his expression. "Then let's give him what he wants." 

Both boys spent the afternoon messing with both of their closets in search of a perfect outfit for the non-official date. Soobin thought it was a bit shallow to worry so much about appearance while Yeonjun pointed out it was important to feel good on the outside and that would imply looking good. 

"Yeonjun I'm not putting on a crop top! First, it's winter, and second I would never pull something like that." 

Yeonjun sighed. "You would pull something like this but okay, what about the teddy bear cardigan?" 

Soobin immediately lighted up at the idea. "That's actually perfect." 

"I know, I'm a genius." Yeonjun mocked and Soobin just shoved him but a smile irradiating in him too. 

After the whole clothes discourse, he let the other play with his face and apply some light makeup. Soobin was afraid of what he could do to him, claiming he would never be as bold as Yeonjun to make statements like that. But the boy promptly denied that there was no such thing and that makeup was for everyone, and he could do a look both he and Beomgyu would appreciate. 

"I can't believe I'm going for all this work for a boy!" 

"It's the things we do for those we like Soob." Yeonjun teased, passing a blush slightly in his cheeks. 

When the time arrived, Soobin grabbed a denim wool jacket and practically ran away from Yeonjun who was throwing kissy faces at him and advising him not to do anything he wouldn't do. 

He knocked on Beomgyu's dorm room, the other boy immediately leaving and closing the door behind him. As soon as the dark hair boy turned his stare to Soobin he seemed to stop in his tracks, distracted. 

"What?" Soobin asked. "Did you forget anything?" 

"Hm…" Beomgyu gulped. "No nothing. Are you wearing make-up?" 

Soobin cursed. "I told Yeonjun not to apply anything…"

"Nonsense. It looks amazing." Beomgyu finished, finally gathering his thoughts and extending his arm to the taller boy. Soobin smiled and laced his arm with him like they've done many times before and they did their walk to the restaurant that Beomgyu had found. 

"I think I should learn how to drive during the summer so we don't have to walk with the cold to places." Soobin pointed out as he held onto the other tightly. 

"I've always wanted a personal driver. Sounds like one of those extravaganzas only celebrities have." Beomgyu joked, unlacing their arms and connecting their hands instead. 

Soobin blushed. "What makes you think I'm going to drive you around?" 

"Please?" Beomgyu pleaded, pouting.

"You know I can't resist that pout." Soobin averted his eye, so the other couldn't see how red he was. 

As it turned out, Beomgyu had made a reservation in a pizza place, a very cozy and vintage-looking establishment that Soobin had no idea existed. They sat in silence admiring the menus but Soobin felt Beomgyu's feet playing with his underneath the table. 

"How do you feel about pineapple on pizza? We have to share one I think." Beomgyu said nonchalantly as he looked at the menu. 

"I'm afraid you will walk right out of this when you find out." Soobin mocked. 

Beomgyu curiously dropped the menu and he finally took his time to admire how he looked today. He was wearing a stripped low neck long sleeve that showed his neckline adorned with multiple necklaces. This time he wasn't wearing any dangling earrings as usual but his hair was styled differently, in the middle part. 

He looked beautiful and Soobin was done for. 

"Don't worry I'm not one of those obsessed weirdos with pizza toppings." Beomgyu laughed. 

"I don't like it. Maybe we can share the cheese one?" 

Beomgyu nodded. "Okay, Binnie." He called on the waitress who quickly took their order. He didn't have to confirm what he wanted to drink as Beomgyu already knew for him. Somehow the action felt so domestic and heartwarming to him, his cheeks quickly blushing again. "I have good news." 

"I love good news." Soobin joked. 

"I finally picked my major," Beomgyu announced. 

"I'm so proud of you!" Soobin’s immediate reaction was to be sure the other knew this and extend his hand to him to hold. "What did you pick?" 

"This is probably going to sound stupid but Arts. I want to become a teacher I think, you know for young kids and stuff." 

Soobin’s mouth opened in surprise. It wasn't like he didn't pick up little things about Beomgyu that would lead to this (The way he painted his skateboard with his designs, the same thing he did for his guitar, the way he talked about his architecture class as being the only one he showed interest for) but the way he had so much of his future set in stone already. It was impressive. 

"That's cool. Sounds like a great plan, you will be a great teacher." 

Beomgyu smiled shyly, getting his other hand to hold Soobin's and playing with his fingers as he liked. "Thank you, means so much coming from you. You're the one who always tells us we should follow our path and our dreams and make sure we do something we love, you're just a source of comfort to me so it was easy to make this decision based on your words." He rambled, noticing how quickly he had spoken, he backtracked. "Sorry, that was too much." 

Soobin, who had been perplexed by the honesty of the words, just smiled and immediately answered. "It's okay. I'm glad we rely on each other then." 

Beomgyu smiled. Soobin smiled back. 

The honesty in the other words was enough to propel some from Soobin too. 

"Do you know the psychology support they offer for students at Uni? I applied for a meeting." He breathed in. "Miss Yeo had suggested to me a few months ago but I got so taken aback by the fact that I still needed help that I tried to hide it but… I think it's important to seek help, you know? Even when we think we don't need it."

"You're right. You're strong for doing it on your own." Beomgyu smiled, only letting go of their hands because their food had arrived. 

Their conversation during dinner flew from there on, both of them relishing the company, a warm atmosphere surrounding them. There's a source of relief in hanging out with someone you trust so much that Soobin never thought he would achieve until he met the other. 

"Let's go." Beomgyu extended his hand after they finished eating and he came back from a bathroom break. 

"We should pay first you know." Soobin mocked. 

"Already taken care of." Beomgyu simply said, leading them to the door. Soobin lifts his eyebrows. 

"You don't have to pay for my meals." 

"Unless I want to be a respectful date," Beomgyu murmured and he barely caught it but it was enough to send Soobin's spiraling for the rest of the evening. 

_ So it was a date _ . 

During the movie he kept overthinking all his moves, the way he and Beomgyu kept holding hands, Beomgyu's head resting on his shoulder, the way he kept whispering in his ear, their hands touching more than once when getting the popcorn. 

When they reached the dorms after their  _ date _ Soobin felt his heart beat at the goodbye. 

"It was fun right? I was needing something like this." Beomgyu said, clearly stalling. 

Soobin buzzed. "Thank you for inviting me." 

"I hope I didn't scare you when I said I was being a respectful date." Beomgyu continued honestly. "It wasn't my intention to overwhelm you." 

_ So he noticed. Great.  _ "You didn't at all!" Soobin immediately started. "I was… expecting it to be a date anyways. It was right?" 

Beomgyu laughed. "It was. A fun one too."

Soobin felt himself relax. Nothing to worry about, because just like everything with this boy it was easy to feel relaxed and at ease. "Do we have to say goodnight?" 

Beomgyu chuckled again. "I don't want to say goodnight." He whined. 

Soobin felt his heart beat fast. Beomgyu kept taking steps further into his space and he found himself doing the same, leaning into the other. 

He could almost hear Yeonjun's voice in his mind whispering for him to be a little braver, take a step. 

"Beomgyu…" Soobin started, gulping. He felt the other avert his stare to his lips and it gave him a final push, against his instincts to place a hand on his face, cupping him. 

"Go ahead." Beomgyu started. " _ Kiss me."  _

The words seemed to have a catalyst effect on him, he felt his whole body shiver but he quickly regained his senses, leaning slowly to the other. 

It's unclear who took the first step if it was Soobin who finally connected their lips or Beomgyu who grew impatient of waiting but when their lips finally touched, he felt the butterflies in his stomach erupt somehow into fireworks.

His inexperience didn't seem to cause any trouble for Beomgyu who smiled into the kiss, his hands resting firmly on Soobin's chest. It was a quick touch of lips but the good thing about kissing someone you're so comfortable with is that it’s natural. 

So it was easy to rapidly connect their lips again, this time with a little bit more force. Beomgyu wrapped his hands around his neck now, taking a step back and rest against the wall behind him. Soobin limited himself in following without breaking the kiss, breathing through his nose as he felt his pulse increase at the pace of the kisses.

His whole body felt on fire, something he had never had before and for the first time in years his mind was empty, the only thing he could think of was kissing the other, touch him, make it last longer. 

He doesn't know for how long they stayed there, who first opened their mouths and opened the door for a whole other type of kiss, who separated first but at some point he felt Beomgyu's hand return to his chest, both of them breathing hard from the emotion. 

"That was…" Beomgyu started but as soon as both of them locked eyes they couldn't contain the giggles that escaped their mouths. 

"Wow." Was all Soobin could muster. 

"Do you know how long I've waited for that?" Beomgyu said, a huge smile adorning his expression. He looked dazed, his lips red from the kiss and that was an image the other wouldn't forget anytime soon. 

"How long?" Soobin teased.

"I think I've wanted to kiss you from the day I first saw you. You're so charming." 

Soobin placed a hand in mouth, trying to keep the giggling sounds controlled but it was turning to be a difficult task. 

"You're cheesy." 

"Maybe." Beomgyu smiled, pecking Soobin again who just kept leaning in to kiss more when they separated. "But you like it?" 

"Like I've never liked before I think," Soobin admitted. "Like I never thought I could." 

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"What's up with you? You look drunk." Yeonjun said as soon as he opened the door of their dorm room. 

Soobin, who couldn't keep the smile off his face, simply threw himself on top of Yeonjun in his bed. 

"Ah! Get off me, idiot!" Yeonjun tried to shove him away but Soobin was surprisingly stronger, hugging him. "You don't smell like alcohol so why do you look drunk?" 

"Drunk in love maybe." Soobin sang and Yeonjun pretended to gag.

"What happened to you and what have you done with my best friend?" Yeonjun mocked but he could see the faintest smile in the other. 

"Beomgyu and I kissed." 

"Really?" Yeonjun immediately got up, bringing the other with him. Soobin just nodded, smiling widely. "That's so great! I'm so happy for you." 

"I've never felt like this before. I feel like I can do anything, my heart hasn't stopped beating fast and my brain is so…empty. This is not normal." 

Yeonjun just laughed. "I'm happy for you. Really." 

Soobin was about to answer when he noticed his phone light up with a notification. 

"Is it your lover boy?" Yeonjun teased and Soobin just punched him in the arm lightly, whispering  _ shut up.  _

(23:35)

_ already miss you _ ****

"Oh shut up, he's so cheesy!" Yeonjun commented. 

"Yeah...he is." Soobin smiled, daydreaming about the kisses again. 

"You're thinking about his kisses aren't you?"

"Shut up!" 

(23:36)

**you can see me tomorrow**

(23:37) 

_ I plan on seeing you everyday  _

(23:38)

**_can't wait. ♡_ **

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


The next morning it was the first Saturday of the month which meant it was time for their monthly brunch. It started because Kai had insisted the five of them should hang out more and even if they couldn't during the rest of the weeks, monthly they would catch up with each other. It has been a good agreement and it helped Soobin and his urges for having his whole life planned. They usually meet outside to catch the bus together to the place.

Soobin immediately spotted Beomgyu waiting outside the dorm building with Taehyun and he felt the adrenaline in his core. They haven't established anything, in which sort of terms they found themselves but he knew somehow that it wasn't necessary for them. 

Even with that, he felt nervous about meeting him today, what would change. Turns out he didn't have to think much because as soon as they said their hellos Beomgyu pulled him for a kiss. 

He felt himself freeze in the spot, Yeonjun laughing and the only thing bringing him to his senses was Taehyun's surprised:

"Wait? Since when do you two do that?" 

Beomgyu giggled, lacing his hand with Soobin's. "I don't think it's any of your business?" He finished but his tone was tied with amusement. 

"What's none of his business?" Kai arrived in the meantime, kissing Taehyun's forehead. 

"This is so sad, I'm the fifth wheel in this group now." Yeonjun started. 

"Oh, are you still in your purity phase?" Taehyun mocked. 

"Will you stop calling it that?" 

"Wait, those two got their crap together?" Kai pointed at Soobin and Beomgyu. Yeonjun nodded enthusiastically. "Finally, even I moved faster." 

"You?" Taehyun mimicked. "I was the one who had to ask you out twice because you thought we were going on  _ friendly  _ dates. After I stated multiple times I liked you." 

"I thought you meant like bros you know," Kai mumbled. 

"No homo." Soobin and Yeonjun finished at the same time, an inside joke of the two. 

"I hate this family." Kai ended up saying.

And as Soobin recalled back to the moment they started doing this, to how lucky he has become to meet these people and have them in his life, to how much he trusts them and relies on them, he thought to himself,

_ I love this family.  _

**___________________________________________ **

  
  


"Okay, I'm done!" Yeonjun finished zipping his suitcase as Soobin sat on top of it for pressure. 

"I can't believe how much clothes you have and I lived with you for almost a year." Soobin started. 

"Yeah, and you also stole a big part."

"Borrowed." Soobin corrected but the other simply rolled his eyes. 

They heard a faint knock on the door followed by two women asking for permission to come in. Soobin had a flashback from the time he met Yeonjun for the first time and his mom's. 

"Are you ready?" One of them asked the tallest one. She ruffled Yeonjun's hair lightly. 

"Did your suitcase grew twice its size? The other asked, pointing out at the case the two has just finished zipping. 

"For my sake let's say it did not." Yeonjun finally spoke. "This is Soobin by the way, Soobin, my mothers." He finished introducing. 

Both of them smiled at him, saying their hellos. Soobin, polite as always, tried to be respectful. 

"Yeonjun talks so much about you! You're welcome to visit in the summer anytime, we would love to have you there." 

"Thank you, ma'am. I will definitely." 

"Ma'am… look how polite he is. You could learn some manners Junnie.

Yeonjun rolled his eyes. "Weren't you in a hurry? Let's go let's go." Yeonjun pushed them out of the room, giving Soobin a tight and long hug. "Talk to you later okay?" 

Soobin smiled, hugging Yeonjun again and giving him a small and friendly cheek kiss. "Of course. You aren't getting rid of me ever again now." 

Yeonjun laugh. "I don't plan on it."

He watched the other leave to go to his mother, bicker with them once again. He had already said goodbye to Kai who took the bus earlier and now he was waiting for his mother. 

He looked around at his dorm room as the sounds of people leaving for the summer filled the dorm building. Everything seemed empty without his and Yeonjun's stuff but he knew they would most definitely be sharing a room next year, plans of the five of them even finding an apartment something they've been discussing earlier. 

If he thought in any way this would be how he would be spending the last day of his first year he wouldn't have believed. How much a year has passed with him finding friends and even a boyfriend. 

It sounded crazy but also got a smile on his face to the sheer hope that he had for the future from now on. The help he got from the psychology support from University made him realize that life only goes further. The best thing to do is to keep going forward, always remembering that step forwards and backward are still steps and those are important. 

"Am I interrupting some thinking time?" He heard his mother voice and immediately jumped from his bed to hug her tightly. "Someone looks happy." 

Soobin smiled when they separated. "I am yeah, was thinking about how happy I am." 

His mother ruffled his hair, a smile adorning her kind features. "Baby that makes me so happy too. Are you ready to go?" 

Before he could answer he heard someone call him at the door. 

"Hey bun, I think this jacket is…" Beomgyu finished and widened his eyes, noticing the older woman in the room "...yours." 

Soobin realized he hadn't come out to his mother yet but he thought that nothing could ruin his life right now, that steps were steps no matter in which direction they went. 

He grabbed the jacket from Beomgyu's hands, the same one he had given him all those months ago, the same one Beomgyu insisted on keeping this whole time. 

"Beomgyu this is my mom." He introduced. "Mom, this is Beomgyu." He took a deep breath. "My boyfriend." 

He felt Beomgyu shift in his spot, aware of the fact that he hadn't broken the news to his mother yet, probably also scared for him, maybe just not as much as he felt right now. 

But his mother simply beamed, bowing slightly to Beomgyu. 

"It's so good to meet what I assume it's the reason my son is so happy these days." 

Soobin released a breath he didn't know he was holding but before he could say anything, Beomgyu stepped forward. 

"He speaks so much of you. It's also nice to finally meet you." 

His mother laughed. "Aren't you a charmer! And so cute too, I'll leave you both to say goodbye and wait in the car. I hope I get to see you more in the summer." 

Beomgyu nodded. "Thank you for inviting me." 

His mother winked at Soobin, leaving the two of them alone. 

"That was the scariest thing I have ever done," Soobin said, still frozen in his spot. 

"I'm so proud of you!" Beomgyu spoke loudly, hugging him tightly, and then attacking his face with kisses. Soobin could only giggle, especially at how cute Beomgyu had to tiptoe to reach his forehead. 

"I guess she liked you?" 

"She invited me to visit during the summer, I think it's safe to say I'm doing fine." Beomgyu finished, laughing. 

"I'm going to miss you so much." Soobin pouted, lacing his arms on Beomgyu's torso and pulling him close. 

"We are only 1 hour away, we can always find things to do and time to spend together." 

"Okay." Soobin pouted again. 

"Don't pout at me, you know I can't resist." Beomgyu started, kissing him deeply, in the way he knew the other liked and felt safe in. "I love you. Stay safe okay?" 

Soobin widened his eyes. "You love me? We haven't said it yet."

Beomgyu giggled. "I guess it slipped."

"It was that easy uh?" 

"That easy."

"I love you too. So much." Soobin finished, pecking Beomgyu again. 

❝ Life can only be understood backward, but it must be lived forwards. ❞

— Søren Kierkegaard

**Author's Note:**

> ask me q& on [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/minis0de_)


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